Same Old, Same Old

Hello. hahaha yeah. There's never great stuff whenever I came to this blog hahaha I am so sorry but this is just where I could pour everything on to without hurting or worrying anyone. Anyway, school has start last week and so far so good. I'm just pretty much sure that I'm gonna get some rework to do hahaha xD

Anyway, the thing is I've been having another set of suicidal thought starting last few days ago and yeah, I still got them but it's fuzzy now because I've tried my best to not thinking about it. But hell, it's not easy to stop it. Home feels like hell all over again and shit happens like all the freaking time. I feel suffocated y'know. I just feel like wanna run away from here and never go back but my hands and feets are chained. I can't go anywhere. I'm stuck in here.

I just feel like my parent don't really care about me and that they don't really took notice of me. I know, there's some of the time they went to my room (since I kinda locked myself up in my room and only came out for classes or anywhere that isn't here) and to look at me, what I'm doing. I know they're kinda often checked on me which of course make me wanna be in the same room with them, like spend time in the living room, watching movie together and all that jazz ya know but every time I did that, they're always like saying something that pushing my button. ya get me? I must say that they might not notice, hell, they might never gonna noticed that I'm mentally unstable and that I get irritated for even such a small words. But I do have my self-control, that I don't fling right away if it something that I can deal with but whenever I did that, they keep on pushing and pushing on me, saying those shit that really blew me off.
But I don't know. Maybe it is my fault. Yeah, definitely my fault for being such short-tempered and unable to take their good advice that probably good for me in the future. All I did was like glaring and frowning at them, avoiding them and all that jazz. I know I'm wrong.

And then, my mom. I thought she care about me. I know she do care about me but sometimes, it feels like she care more about Shawn. I know this is childish of me for being jealous of my own nephew but *sighs* I don't know how to say this but sometimes, I feel like she gave more of her attention to Shawn than me. Well, I guess. It just what this fucking mental illness telling me. hahaha I'm a loser. And today, as you know it's mother's day. And I kinda wake up late but I did tell her happy mother's day and gave her kiss and all that but then, she told me like, Lalan did told her earlier than I did and even gave her flowers for that. I'm like, wow. Do you have to say that? I mean, I didn't even go anywhere and like I've been making some crafts every mother's day and where the fuck is all that? She never even appreciates whatever shit I did for her before this. That's why I didn't do anything this year cuz I always saw my cards is thrown like shit inside the drawers with whatever unimportant shit. And now she's comparing me with Lalan. Gosh. I mean, I know I'm no better. Probably I'm the worst daughter ever. I know who i am and I know I'm just the worst.

This just didn't help it. I just feel like I really don't belong here ya know. It's not like they need me for anything. I mean, they seems to look happier with shawn around and they have each other and mom have dad to support her now and I believe they can get through it with whatever shit my brother is doing for them. I don't see my part in this family. I'm just honestly a total burden. I'm the one who caused them to need to buy extra food, extra clothes and spend extra money and all that. If only I'm not here, I guess there's much more money for them and plus, they won't need to worry about my college fees anymore.

And then, as for sis Jaba. I know she'll get through it. She's doing fine even without me. I know. Like I've told her, I'm just starting to RP because I want her too. I know that her passion is on writings you see and she always likes to RP and all that. Now that I saw her had been making friends, I guess I've done my part. I mean, not that she need me anymore, hahaha. Hell, no one ever need me. They're just fine by themselves. All this time, I'm the one who make myself think that they need me when it's clearly that they'll survive without me.

I've told you that I've been having my suicidal thought in this few days but I just haven't find any way of doing it hahaha I mean, I did consider of cutting my wrist but that took too long time to wait and yeah, same goes to hanging myself but in my room, there's no place to hang myself hahaha and at times, I wish I had a cronic disease and I can't involve in car accident since I had to fetch and send my friend home. I can't get her involve with my problem hahaha. Ugh. Maybe I'll consider of taking random pills someday. Yeah, probably that could work too.

Wow, planning suicide really put my mood a little lighter hahahaha xD I'm not sure of anything right now. I'm still considering it. I might or might not doing it but who knows. Like I always told sis Jaba, I'm just waiting for on final push. So far, it just the same stuff and I might get use to it. hahaha xD

Some part of me told me that I should keep on living. Maybe that's the only thing that make me holding on until now. I hope that part of me won't losing anytime soon. Hell, I feel so alone though. It's like, I am surrounded by people but it just. I don't know.
Bad fengshui hahahaha *sighs*

I'm just an empty shell
Waiting for a miracle
To fill up this broken pieces

Confused 😔😔

I don't know what's gotten into me lately but I just don't want people online to know that i'm a girl.

Don't get me wrong though. I love being a girl and i love dressing up and all that. I can't even go out without a simple make up on my face. And hell, i love my face because i find myself to be quite cute and good-looking hahahaha xD But it just well, let just say that i have masculine side in which I could only unleashed it online, well certain social network where no real-life people knows the real me. A place where i can freely cursed like a pirate without worrying about how it gonna affect my image as a girl. I know, girls do curse too but for me, they shouldnt curse too much, just okay-okay amount. 

And today there this people in my kiba's blog that tagging about the mun day and all that and it has gender in it. So i kinda told sis jaba that i would put batman as my gender and so she ask me why i want to hide my gender and so i told her like Because. Hahaha well, honestly.

Because i dont know. I'm confuse okay. Because there this one time i was thinking that maybe life be better if im a boy. I could help my parent in lots of things and they can trust me more doing things independently and i can protect them because being a girl, yes you can do all that but there's a limits. i don't know ehat i'm talking about hahaha 

Maybe im just confuse. I'm very easy confuse like this. At some point, i think that because i've been acting like myself more in front of sis jaba and maybe at some point she kinda judge me for ya know, obsess with cute girls just as much as i love guys, and now i dont feel like revealing my gender online because yada yada hahaha well, it actually because i've been behaving like a guy hahaha and uh, i don't know. i think i should take a break from tumblr. Probably because of all that many types of genders confused me already.

I'm so sleepy UwU

Life Update hahahahaha

Well hello there. It's been a month... I think hahahaha and I should be studying right now but yeah, let say that I'm currently taking a short break yeah. hahahaha and as you can see, I'm going to pull all-nighter today because I really want to score my IHRM subjects. Well, I still have whole friday to sleep my eyes out hahahaha so yeah~!

I still have like six more assignment to work with and I was thinking of finishing about three of them by this week, which one of them of course my SEMINAR reports and the other two, probably ERF and IHRM reports presentation. And a bonus, if I can finish my ERF earlier, maybe I'll start doing my FM. Probably I should as Kobe for chapter 4, 5, and 6 because I really don't have them with me. hahaha XD

Anyway, about my public speaking, I've decided that I'm just going with 7 reasons to love anime because dude, it's where my heart belongs. I AM A TRUE OTAKU and I shall show the world that Otaku aren't weird for falling in love with 2D characters like dude, everyone should understand reasons why the words Otaku exists. hahahaha so, I'll try my best to clear the Otaku's name since not all of us are weird though hahaha well, we all are weird but... uh... nevermind hahahahahaha

SO, I have thought a few reasons that I can put inside my slides like uhh;

1. Lovable Character.
In this one, I will put maybe corporal Ravioli like Oh my god! who doesn't love him anyway? he's sassiness, his skills and his height lol i'm sorry hahahaha and of course, I'll be talking about Mr Perfect Mako-chan Tachibana. YES! he'll definitely be the best example that will supports my points because he's so freaking perfect at that. Like he's kind, he lovely, he's adorkable oh my god, plus those sexy abs and puppy eyes. hahhahaha WHO doesn't love him? hahahaha

2. Genres
Anime have lots of genres that suits everyones like, if you like sports, there's a sport anime like Haikyuu, Prince of Tennis, FREE! and so on. If you like Gorish, SNK, parasites, tokyo ghouls, HOTD, romance? Ao haru ride, OHSHC, My little devil, Kaichou wa maid sama, etc, you like action? can try you are under arrest, slayers, dragon ballz, Coopelion Comedy, ohoho Nichibros, Gintama.... You love ninja? Naruto. are you more into gaming stuff? there's the world gods only knows, outbreak company, sword Art online, ragnarok, BTOOM! etc. You like Moe? K-On, madoka Magica etc. See, anime have alots hahahaha

3. Plots
Anime full of heart warming to heart wrenching plots. It gives us the feels like when we're watching K-drama except that sometimes, their plot is more heart wrenching hahahahahahaha I still can't get over the death of some characters. ESP shiro fujimoto oh my god. AHAHAHA even right now, I feel like my heart is clenching like it's gonna burst any minute. Like oh my god, why he has to die whaaaa skip HAHAHAHA

4. Life Lesson
In this part, I think that maybe I should insert some of anime quotes like e.g; what Mikasa told Eren; Fight if you wanna live. hahaha and then maybe I should put Naruto and some other anime that give lots of great quotations about life, friendships and relationships yeap. hahahaha I ain't love doctor if not because of them hahahahahahahaha

ANd thats all I could think of for the time being hahaha yeah, well *sighs* I still have few weeks to go but I wanna do it fast so I can ready myself when I present later on. But for now, I wanna focused on IHRM presentation first since it's gonna be around this week or next week. That's what my guts tell me though hahahaha XD

And I should go and continue with my study now. So wish me luck!
Hope I can survive this semester with flying colors. Like seriously hehehehe :)
I'll update again as soon as I get the chance.

P.S Let your smile cover up your tears.

Short Post

Okay. I'm just gonna say it! 

I WANNA DRAW A MANGA 

there! I said it

HAHAHAHHAHAHA

I have this strobg urge to draw a manga of my own ya knowwww but i just dont have the time. I'll only a bit free after my Seminar presentation which is on the 12th next next week! 

then i only have like Public speaking abd the impromptu and erf and hr to settle with XD 

Cant wait!!! I just wanna start to design my character after my upcoming presentation ngeeeeeeeeeeeee XDDDDD

I think I'm sick

My head are spinning like crazy and feel so freaking heavy like no kidding. But I can't lie down now, i need to settle my assignment and everything. Stupid stupid cold UwU

Why you've gotta attack me at this crucial time yer hahaha ugh. Mom said she didn't have any meds sighs. Can I take one day break? But tomorrow is that fucked up ERF class sighs* 

Oh well, just do my best for this semester. I just need to push myself ight? Yeah, drink water UwU do my work. Ai Ken Dew Eat hahahahaha

Wish me luck.

P.S: let your smile cover up your tears

P.SOne: I miss skyping with sis Jaba and Akichan

P.STwo: I should focus on my study first. Hope they'll understand that I'm not actually running from them though UwU

Lost Time Memory hahahaha

Hello Again! It's been a week, i think? hahahaha yeah, things with schools are great but at home not so great. Well, it's great it just that *sighs* I'm not sure how should I put this. I mean, well... Some unexpected even had come and well, I don't know if it good or bad things but it's really big for me. Well, let's start with happy stuff first. hahahaha XD

SO, in my last post, I told you that I'm going to have 'Should anime be banned?' for my Public Speaking but I kinda change it to another topic which is, 'What should you do to survive Zombie Apocalypse.' ahahahahahaha I know! I'm just following my heart, okay? Plus, when I kinda think of this topic, I was thinking about ZOS: Zombie Outbreak Survivor. ya know, the one that sis Jaba did last few years back and I'm thinking like maybe I'll present this one as if I'm actually one of the workers in the zombie survival tips company something hahahahaha yes! I shall and I'm thinking to take the introduction of the story as my intro later mwahahahahaha XD Maybe I'll change a bit and add some more words. Yeah, I can't wait to present about it. hahahahahaha

and right now, I suppose to do my TITAS powerpoint but I kinda lost in the middle of doing it. It's like my brain is shutting down. So I end up changing my blog song and wala! I'm here hahahaha I need to focus though but it's kinda hard to focus here in my room. I've been spending almost all of my time in the room. I just don't feel like getting out of here yet. I want to but I just, I don't know. The old feelings is back. It's not a good sign, I know. I'm trying to fight it by the way. so, worry not! hahahaha

And uh, yeah well. I've been having a relapsed last few days ago. I've cut about 7 times on that night. I know because I still have the scars visible on my arm. hahahaha I didn't mean to, I mean, I do mean to but yeah, it just happen, okay? hahaha I didn't bleed that much though because I didn't cut that deep. And my mom kinda ask me about it, the day after cuz I forgot to cover it up hahaha and I kinda lie to her that I was playing with wild cat and it scratch me. But thankfully she believed me. If she knew I did it myself, she'll be more worry. Ah, speaking of worry, actually, the thing is that my dad are no longer working. He has been reach the point where he's not allowed to go to work anymore. So, I just feel responsible for this family, you see. Since my brother is useless.

The things that trouble me so much is that, I'm a full-time student but if dad is no longer working, but my stupid brother is still so active with his drug-addiction, I really need to find a job. Not that I'm saying that my parent doesn't have any savings, they do. They even have enough money to support my school financially. All I've gotta do now is to study the best I can, make them proud, getting good results and all that stuff. But I don't know man. I.... don't know if I can do this. What if fail? What if I can't graduates? What if?

My dad seems to put too much trust on me, too much pride about how I will make their life better one day. But what if that one day never came? because I fail to make them proud? Now I'm scared that I'll disappoint them. I'm scared that if I fail doing my best in my studies, they'll be paying for my studies for nothing. I know very well that right now, all I've gotta do is study, do the best I can, no more procrastinating and just focus making them proud.

It's so easy to say all of it. But it's really hard you know. I do have some great friends that helping me with my study so far. I depend on them, they depend on me. We're a great team. But I'm just not sure if I can do it. Things that we're currently studying is quite okay for me, I can do it quite okay as well. But, we can't predict the future right?

I know, they're not wrong for putting high hopes on me. I appreciate that. Really. I know this might be my callings, like sis Jaba told me. But I just feel so weak, so..... I don't know. I don't know what worries me actually., Clearly, I know what I should do and how I can do it. But this indescribable feelings that growing inside me it just making me doubting myself. I'm not sure what I'm actually feeling. I try to make myself cry ya know. But no, I can't cry hahahaha and it's really affecting my performance in studying because I keep on spacing out for no reason, I even cut myself because It's really reeally frustrating me. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I feel so........ *sighs*

Stupid feelings. I wish someone slapped my face so hard right now. But for some reasons, I'm honestly worry about everything. I don't mind about me anymore. That phase already in the past. I lived myself normally so far. It just this stupid feelings that coming in the way. I need a hug. hahahahaha

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'll update soon.
P.S: Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears
P.SOne. hehe: Logan Lerman is dating Alexandria Daddario. I'm sexy free and single HAHAHAHA