Part 14: I'm Just Too Coward.

Heyy again :) 

Well, i guess i'm right about being the worst. Haha... *sighs* now everyone hates me. I know i deserve it but then, it just painful you know. Haha... I really didn't mean to leave or whatever. The reason i was going away from the internet, tumblr or even chatting is because i don't want them to dwell with my negativeness. *sighs* well, it doesn't matter now. I mean, its my fault for not telling and explain to them beforehand. I'm just the worst people of all. Heh. Maybe, well I can't even forgive myself you know. I hurt soo many people and its all because of my stupid breakdown. I hate it. I hate being so weak that now i'm being the reason everyone i care about is hurting. Ironically, those people i hurt were a group of people that would be the last i would hurt. But then, well... Heh.

I guess all i'm good at is hurting people. Its seems like it the only things im good at. Wait, no. Thats the first, the second thing im good at is being a burden. Yeah, i still not over the fact that im being adopt is just a burden for my parent. Its true what? I know lots of people would agree with me in this.  Like i said, i'm just the worst. 

I really really hate myself right now. I wish in brave enough to kill myself hahaha... I just want to get off from everyone life because all i ever do to them is hurt them. No matter how many times i apologizes, it will not going to change the facts that i hurt them so much. I'm.... I hate myself even more right now. I won't blame them if they ever hate me from now. I deserved it. I deserve all the hates.  I'm just the worst. 

And yeah, my scar adding up today. I just feel that i deserve some punishment for what i've done. Yeah, i just want to cut right now but no matter how many time i slit my wrist, it just didn't satisfied me. I deserve to be punished more than that. Because im just the worst. The most bad person ever. The baddest friend, the baddest sister, the baddest rp partners. Just simply the worst of the worst.

"Every scars that I drew were always meant to bleed. It's to show that how fucked up I really am,"

Part 13: I'm Just the Worst

Hey, i'm not quite feeling better today. So uh, i decided to update this blog hehehe :) well, i've been feeling down since few days ago and well, of course for some reasons. *sighs* and for addition, stress from school and home. It just, for short everything make me feel down actually. Hahaha *sighs* 

And uh, i relasped again today. Yeah, i'm back to cutting and well, i think i've cut a little deeper because i'm still waiting for the blood to stop. But nothing serious though, it just a small scratch, not too big hehehe :3 it just need time. It will stop soon enough and i'll be fine again for sure :) 

Everything is fine. It just me. I'm thinking too much and i can't stop my paranoia. Yesterday, i caught myself biting my nails like from my school until i reached Ng Siang Hap there. Yeah, I guess i'm having  small anxiety for sure. But nothing serious as well. I'm okay today (^__^)v 

It just that, i can't stop my brain telling me that no one ever care about me and they actuall find me very annoying and behaving bitchy like and like its getting on their nerves in some way. I don't know. And well, i can't blame them for that. I mean, i'm very aware that i'm quite annoying too hahahaha i can't deny the truth, can't i?

And then. Well, i don't know. the reason I've cut again is that, i'm just feeling that. Even if i cut again, no one would care and like they wouldn't even bother to stop me anyway. They will be like, "Its your choice, if you decide to stop, u'll stop." Well, nothing wrong with that though. I mean, they're right about it. I will stop if i want to. But well, i guess i won't then. Since its my choice :)

I'll just lessen it. Well, i am trying my best to stop but then i find there isn't any reason for me to stop. I'm always lonely somehow. No one ever try to reach for me. Its always me who is trying to reach for people. Maybe that's why i never stop feeling lonely. Pathetic isn't it? Heh. Well, its me afterall. I'm just some pathetic being as always. 

*sighs* i always keep my smile on my face though. And i guess i'm too good at lying that not even a single soul noticed how miserable i qctually am. I just. I don't know anymore. Maybe its the best if i withdrew from people for the time being. Especially those i'm chatting with, like Jaba, or Myron or even Sumichan. I don't want to be unable to give them positive energy when i chat with them. I want them ti be happy somehow hahaha :3 *sighs*

Well, my happiness isn't important. All i ever want is materialistic stuff anyway. And yeah, im no saint too. I'm in fact the worst of the worst person ever. I lied to everyone. I never really show them what i'm really feel. I want them to notice it actually. Hahaha yeah, it's my fault somehow. I should have told them but then, they won't care anyway.

I've tried to tell Jaba about my real feelings some of time back then but the way she responds, well... Its not wrong. She did says everything that is necessary but then. Well, heh. I guess i'm just asking for the impossible. Oh well, *sighs* and thats is the time i told myself that i shouldn't be telling anyone else about my problems. I should just keep it too myself. I mean, its my problem and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I should sort things out myself, no? :) 

I mean, everyone have their own problems to deal with. So, yeah. I'll do it myself :)

And yeah, my weight isn't reducing even a bit. In fact it keep on increasing. I think i should just stop eating hahahaha i hate my thigh, my leg, my stomach and everything. Hahahaha *sighs* 

Ah, i shall take my leave now :)

P.S Let your smile cover up your tears :)

*i can even cry lols*

Part 12: I Regret Nothing

Ohh heyy again :3 i'm just want to say that i'm feeling pretty wore out right now. I mean, spiritually hahaha :3 like i don't know how to tell, but really. I feel so tired like my energy is being sucked out of me. Maybe sis Jaba is right about people sucking out my positivity and turn it into theirs. Hahaha well yeah, i'm having mental breakdown not long before but yeah, i pretend like nothing happen. As usual la hahaha :3 i cried in the shower and i'm not  sure why i feel so hurt like that when i thought about Sumi and Kid (my skype friend) honestly i feel glad that i met them even when i'm not a good roleplay partner. Hahaha but they are two out of 107 followers (excluding Jaba account idk how many maybe ten? Hahahaha) that willing to talk to me you see. Hahaha :3 but yeah like i said, i'm not good in making friends. And yeah, i kinda lost both of them hahaha i mean, well i got saw Kid online before but when i go check, he's appear offline. Pfft... I'm too fabulous for him to handle i guess hahahaha :3 and then there's Sumi. Usually, i would saw her online in the morning (their morning) but then today she seems to not online pfft... Haish. This is the reason i don't want to be so fabulous like this hahahaha :3 

But then, i'm so hurt you know. Hahaha i don't know. this make me questioned myself, is it wrong for trying to be nice ans caring for others? But the again. After i had a small talk with sis Jaba and debating with my innerself, i think that nah, it's not wrong for being nice. In fact, i regret nothing for letting them sucking my life energy. As long as they're happy, then i should be happy too. I mean, wven if it not much, even if it means that i'm hurt, as long as they're happy, then i'm glad i couls help :) 

And even if my withdrawal from our chain of friendship means happiness for them, then i'll be glad to withdrawn. Yeah, happiness is important you see :) 

I'm just glad i'm helping even in spiritual way hahaha :3 if we're meant to be friend, they'll look for me. So, i'll be disappear for a while now, from virtual world and will come back again when i fully regain back my life energy :)

Not that i'm trying to be nice or anythibf, it just that i really want to help somebody to smile like you know,  putting a smile on their face even for once or twice because you see, i know that true happiness is very hard to find, especially in today world. So, i was thinking that what if one small smile is actually the key that will bring us towards that happiness? Yeah, it can be right? Like starting from the most basic, we're sure going to conquer it one day hahaha :3

Oh, i better go now. Its almost 1.30a.m :3

So bye bye for now. I might keep on updating shortly like this starting today.

So adieu :)

P.S : Let your smile cover up your tears :)

Part 11: Nothing's Matter Anymore :)

Heyy~ it's been a while I didn't update this blog hahaha :3 yeah, i'm pretty much busy with roleplaying and stuff. Then, assignments week is here and i have resits coming soon. Wah! I haven't even look for my notes. I'm so dead hahaha *sighs* and then, i'n gonna have presentation and after that final exams. Wah. I'm so busy! I really have no time to play around but then... As usual. Hahaha there won't be work if there isn't playing time hahaha :3 yeah. I'll just have to stop procrastinate :) 

And well, honestly i've been stopping from cutting for like almost a month but that around the end of October, i relasped again. *sighs* I've told Jaba about it but then well, I think I shouldn't have to tell every time I relasped right? It's just troublesome and make things even more complicated. So, i'm deciding that if I happen to relaspe again in the future, i'll just deal with it myself. I mean, its my own fault though and no one is involving. So yeah. But after that day, i think its almost a week I didn't cuts :)

Yay me! Hahahaha :3

But the urge and the temptations is really almost impossible to be resisted hahaha :3 

BE STRONG, gie-chan! XD

Anyway, i've made a few friends in Tumblr and we connected through Skype now. Wee~! Yeahh~! i have skype. Can you believe that? Hahahaha i mean, i really hate that thing before but now i've come to like it hahahaha :3 well, now that i have friends to talk too and foreigner to yooo~! Its like always be my dream to have foreigner friends like this hahaha :3

But the problem is that, well. You know how socially awkward i am hahaha i think i've been completely annoying at those two. Yeah, i only have two of them hahaha :3 but anyway, yeah. I mean, i'm already used to be annoying with sis Jaba though. I can't helped it >.< maybe i should act cold like Mon-chan. Hahaha :3 

Yeah. I'm not a good friend for sure. I'm always annoying and sometimes I wonder why I even have friends to begin with. Like seriously hahaha :3 but yeah, i'm not perfect and i can't simply change myself to be the one they wanted to see. This is me, if they hate it. Then fuck it. I'm not going to change who I am, anymore. I'm done with that shit now. Hahaha :3

I'm happy for being myself and i love my annoyingness hahahahaha :3

I'm not going to let other people to bring me down again. I had enough of that. I'm tired of kissing the ground. Now its time for me to climb up and be who i am.  Wahh~! I'm so good with words hahaha :3

But really though, i'm going to do what makes me happy. XD oh yeahh~!

I had enough things to worry about like my studies, my parents, my money, my figurines, my stupid brother *sighs* and lots more. I mean, *sighs* it's hard to be a universal lover you know. Like loving too many things that you couldn't bring yourself to hate anything including the roaches. Hahaha i can't hate them, only disliking :3 And yeah, i cared to much for people that sometimes I think people would be freak out hahaha i mean come on, if i'm them, i would freak out too bwahahaha :3 i'm just.... I don't know. Loke, once i consider that one person as my friend, i'll care about them more than i am about myself. Like well, doesn't matter how they treat me, i'm still going to be with them like forgiving them for that. UNLESS, they pushed me to my limits, then yeah. Sorry, no more place for you my love. Hahahaha :3

Ahhh~ i don't wven know what i'm babbling about. Oh well, i'll write again soon :3

BYE BYE SAYONARA LOOKIN ROCKING BABY!!

P.S : let your smile cover up your tears.

Part Ten: Maybe I'm Just Weak.

Hey~ it's been a while. Yeah, I'm pretty busy lately and yeah, I'm having a little bit of mental breakdown. hahahahahaha *sighs* I shouldn't laugh but it's sound funny to me hahaha it's slightly reminds me of Block B song, Mental Breaker~! hahaha *cough* anyway, I've break the record. Yosh! I was free from self-cutting for like about a week and a half but then, bad news; I relapsed. I've cut again since yesterday. *sighs* I really don't know why I'm being so weak like this, really easy to fall into temptations. Ugh. I hate myself for this but like seriously I really want to stop. But yeah, maybe I'm not having enough determination to stop and plus, like hell; I wasn't very motivated to stop. I mean... Well, I'm not so sure if I'm really fine and that I'll be okay if I'm not cutting. You see, I don't want to show my anger and like hell, I don't ever want to cry in front of others. I don't need people to pity me. I don't need sympathy.

But really. Sometimes, I have this thought; maybe I shouldn't stop at all. Maybe I should keep doing this, besides, it's really working in controlling my emotion. It's making me feel even better. But then again, I...*sighs* I'm actually not very sure what I want. I want to stop but then I don't. Maybe its because my faith is thinning. It's been a while I didn't go to church or even asking help from Him. I feel like I've been neglected my religion for so long. It because, I feel that I'm not worthy. I don't deserve such great forgiveness from Him, I've sinned to much that I can't even forgive myself for everything. I just feel that I don't deserve such great love from Him. That's why. But I guess, this way of thinking is just leading me to the wrong path. Look what I've become. Even I, myself hard to believe this.Is this even real?

And then, I keep on having this thought telling me that I'm never be good enough. All I ever be is a burden to everyone else. I will never can do good for others, all I do is giving them hard time. I will never ever be good. This thought really kills me. And my insecurities, it just gosh. so unbelievable. If people ever see me, they will think that I'm not insecure at all but honestly, I am. More than you ever know. I hate myself. I really-really hate myself. hahahaha XD
ugh.

I think, I cut deeper nowadays. Every time, after I cut; I need like 2 or 3 minutes like that to make it stop. Well, it's not involving too much blood though. It just coming slowly out from the cuts but it really need sometimes for me to stop it. hehehei~ Honestly, I don't really feel the pain when the razor contacting with my flesh. All I feel is pleasure. You get me? It just, I know it's wrong but I feel lots better after I've cut. Well, *sighs* I did throw my last razor though but I've got new one now. Ugh. I know! I shouldn't getting a new one but if I don't, my anger will bubbled up and I scared that if I don't control it, I might hurt mum's feeling. I can't afford that. She has more than enough burden. I don't want to add in. It's like the last thing I want to do, okay? *sighs* I don't know how many time I've sighed. hahaha oh well. But thank God, this semester its not very stressful *hopefully* because if it does, I don't know if I can even stop myself. hahaha haish. I hate my life. Eh, no. I hate my reality. If can, I want to live in a dream. hehehe :) Oh well, another wishful thinking of mine. I'm very sorry for the picture though. But like hell, it's actually not that bad. I mean, in the past, my wrist look even worst. hahaha scroll down, you'll get what I mean.

*sighs* I don't have the heart to tell anyone anymore about what is actually going wrong about me. I'm done being burden to anyone. I mean, hell. All I ever did is worrying people. I don't want anyone to be worrying about me. Well, honestly I do need support to stop this harming shit. But then again, I want people to notice it themselves about what's going on with me without I told them anything. If reading my blog will help them realize, then let them read it. hahaha I mean, if possible. I just don't want to open my mouth and tell anyone about it. It just hard you know. I'm very self-cautious about people's thinking. I mean, I don't want them to think that; if I ever openly tells them that I cut myself, there are chances that they will think that I've done it because I'm attention whore or I'm just being stupid. Heh. It could happen okay? hahaha Oh well. Honestly. If I ever tells them about it, or if they got a clue about this matter, I don't think they going to step up and help me. Most likely, they going to pretend that they care about it but after few days or so, they're going to hurt me again. I've been in that phase, alright. *sighs* You know, I really want to be good with everyone, forgiving and forget everything that they all ever did to me but it's keep on coming back. you know. I'm silently tortured. I just want us all to be together again like we used to and no more back-stabbing and stuff. *sighs* I can't tell if they really do care about each other. I don't want to be hypocrite you see. But then, what other option do I have? I have to pretend that it's not hurting me at all when they purposely or accidentally threw insults on me. And even sometimes, when their words is like an poisonous arrow, stabbing right through my chest, I have to maintain a smile on my face even when all I really want to do is breaking down and curled myself on my bed or leave them and lock myself in my room. I feel stupid sometimes. But. I can't help it. I just. I love them so much. So much that it's freaking hurt and it's really kills me, slowly. I feel like I'm being tortured slowly.

Even for my brother. I hate him so much because he hurt my mom zillion of times but I can't bring myself not to forgive him. I mean, *sighs* I hate myself for this you know. I really wish I hate him for real. But like I said. I love all of them too much that it's kills me. No matter how much they hurt me, I can't find myself to hurt them back. All I do is like stay low for a while and then pretend like nothing has happen. I feel stupid. I can't even say anything that I could use for self-defense. I just don't want to hurt any of them. I just can't. Sometimes I wonder, if they ever think of my feelings at all? Or was it just me who think about them? Hell, I always doubt that they loved me back. hahaha maybe I don't deserve their love after all. I mean, I've made so many mistakes in my past years. If I were them, I would still hate me too. Well, maybe more.

I put a smile on my face like almost everyday, especially when I'm with them all. 

But not they ever know that, the smile is just something so fake that I happen to hate so much.

 Whenever I'm alone, that smile will disappear.

 Oh how I wish, my smile is real. Just as real as the pain that clenching my chest.

 I'm suffocating. 

I can't breathe sometimes.

But it's a miracle.

I feel dead, but I'm living.

The fading scars make me feel lonely.

Why?

I always wonder why.

Maybe because I'm actually lonely.

So freaking lonely that I want to be around people

Even if they hurt me so much.

Who would ever know?

I never told them that they hurt me.

Ah,

It's my fault after all.

Yes, it is.

It's my fault after all.

Always is.

Always does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No matter how many times I try, I keep on losing in this battle. I tried to scream for help but my voice stuck in my throat. I tried writing it on the paper, but the paper was blown by the wind. Will I ever survive this battle? Will someone out there will ever found my letter? 

Will someone come and save me?

Please come.

I'll be waiting here, sitting on this same old abandoned place

Just a right place where I feel belonged.

I'll be waiting here while I try my best to get out 

I'm tired of this place

I just want out

So please.

If you could hear me

Please save me from myself.

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part Nine: You Can't Fixed It Because I'm A Part of The Problems.

I'm literally being shit. I know that but I just can't just shove this feeling of uncertainty away you see. I mean, well... I'm pretty sure that I'm shit with English grammar and words and even my sentence is like direct translate. you get what i mean? hahaha it just well... Honestly. I do enjoy writings because I love it when I imagining things that happen inside the story I'm making but it just that I don't feel that I'm good enough to write anything. But I don't really care about all that stuff, all I care about is the story line and which part is being people favorites and that's all I needed. But I guess, I'm just not born to be a writer somehow. I always get good feedback on my newest fictions from sis Jaba though but I just can't feel it. Well, I know that she like it but then I'm not very you know, like convinced. I don't know why but it just how i felt right and I have no control about it. hahahaha :3

I was really-really hoping for her to tell me like she like the story and then she would tell me which part she really like and why she like it. I hope she would tell me that but it just another wishful thinking of mine. hahaha I mean, maybe it's not that good, I mean my story. It's not that good that she has no favorite part at all and it's actually giving her headache because of my poor grammar. lols. I'm sorry. I'm a shit and always will be. hahaha. I'm so sorry.

Honestly, I do want it to be favorite and was told that it was the best chapter but what's the point if they don't present the evidents? just saying it beautifully written and awesome storyline doesn't even convincing. It's like just a words. you know what i'm saying? its like when i'm reading something that I have no interest at all but I don't want to hurt the writer's feeling so i just say i like it. something like that.

but then again. Different people, different perspective. I mean, well.. Like me, if I really love the story, I would definitely remember every fucking line that written in the chapter and I need more than 15 minutes for me to explain what I felt when I read the chapter. Then I would tell which part is excites me the most and my most favourite part. I really give myself wholehearteedly when I love something. Well, like I've said, different people, different way of saying things. hmmm.... I can't expect too much tho. maybe I should learn to accept the fact.

Last two nights ago, I cried myself to sleep. Well, it just that everything is just so fucked up and I feel so weak that I feel like crying and plus, night time is the only time I can freely cries without my mom even knowing. I really can't let her know how fucked up I really am. I don't want to give her more worries to be concern with. I mean, this is my own problems, so it just should stick with me and only me.

I. I'm really fucked up in this few days. I don't know why. At day time, I look just fine even though everything seems too pissed me off and everyone seems to.. i don't know, it just.... *shrugs* then at night, all the feelings that I've holding at the day will rush towards me and that is when I will fall into pieces. Everything is just so fucked up and I don't know what else should I do to make things better. I'm so fucked up and useless. I'm really a shit. like literally a shit.

My chest felt like it going to burst anytime soon and it just really hard for me to breath. I feel so lifeless. I'm breathing but I'm dead. I don't feel alive anymore. And even when I felt alive, all I ever feel is the negativity and even though I know they we're just meant it for jokes,  I would take it as an insult. I'm just freaking fucked up. Everything around me is turning so dark that I barely could see the colors. I'm losing my rainbow, it color is fading. If it ever disappear one day, maybe it's the end of me. Let's just hope not. hahaha :)

As the day gone by, I feel like I'm losing myself. Sometimes I know the reason, but sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I feel strong, sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I feel full of life, sometimes I feel empty. But mostly, I felt so lonely even though I'm surrounded by people and this is the only feelings that I can't shove away no matter how much I tried. I feel people hates me most of the time and of course, I hate myself even more because I'm not being myself. I'm literally being someone that people wanted to see and expect from me. I have no clue of who I really am. Only those on the internet would know who i really am, those who never met me will honestly know what I really am. But those who knew me in real life, like Jaba. eventhough she's talking to me in real life or virtually, I'm still pretentious shit

Maybe I'm scared that because maybe once, in the past, the one that hurt her was me, the real me. So, I've decided to be this pretentious version of myself so that I can take care of everyone's feeling even though it's hurting me like zillions time.  heh. But honestly though, even though I'm saying that I'm acting good just because I want to take care of her feelings, when it come to her writings, I'm like losing control of myself and i really really do love her writings. If she's a famous writer, I would list her as one of my fav author ever. hehehe like seriously :D

And yeah, about my self-harm. I'm still doing it of course. it just not frequent. Well, I never did it frequently. I'm only doing it when I feel like it. But then, I would do it like more than twice. hehehei.
I really want to stop but it just seem impossible. I mean, I have no one else to turn up too. I do have people around me but I'm no longer the expressive Pgie like everyone used to know. But like I said, maybe it just me. heh. Oh well, I guess that's all from me :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part Eight: It's Hurt So Much.

Hi~ hi~
I'm here again. hehehe :3 today is my first day of holiday wohoo! and next semester is going to be serious time so I guess I better get myself ready kekeke :3 anyway, today nothing much happen. I'm just feeling down and I'm not sure why. Well, I do know why for the half of my sadness. I mean, of course it was because of the face that I keep on seeing pasted on my mom paled face. Well, she looked pretty stress lately and it's all because of the stupid brother of mine. He's really fucked with our life. I'm just sick and tired about everything that happen lately and its seems like it's going to last forever like this. I'm so stress out but I... I can't actually show that everything that happen have effect me this much. I mean, I just don't want my mom to worry you see. I want her to look up at me and when she see that I'm looking okay and stuff, I want her to be strong for me.

I just don't know anymore. Everything just fucked up. HE keeps on asking few hundred twice a day like the money never finish. Like we can generate our own money. Don't he ever think about dad who had to work for years and only going home for like 2 weeks if he lucky enough. and now, do he ever know that's dad is sick and not many ships would want to take him to work since he's now already reaching 60 years of age? and I'm  still so far away from able to support this family. I'm so stress you know.

And and whenever my dad call, he keeps telling me not to worry about the money and just keep focus on my study like nothing happen. I mean, how am I possibly pretending that everything is fine? the fucker keep on using the money and he tell me not to worry? Of course I'm worried. Well, I'm not worry if I able to further my study or what-so-ever but it just that... it seems you know....he's working so damn hard for me and to support the family but the fucker ruins everything and

now i can't help but to think that I'm being a burden to them. I mean, both of my parents. If I weren't here, like never even exist or born, they would have more money and they won't be that worried even if the fucking brother of mine is involving with this shit since they don't have to worry about spending money for my college and stuff. If I weren't here, it would be better since I'm just a burden. I know this is wrong and I'm sorry but I can't help it but to think like this.

Plus, I'm useless. I can't even make things right, I can't even help them dealing with this. I'm just here, burdening them. I don't deserve such a parent like them. They're being to good for me and I'm honestly grateful to have them as a parent. I'm grateful that they picked me and adopt me of all my other siblings. I'm more that grateful. But I'm nothing but a burden to them. I don't know how I'm going to help them and all I'm doing is spending their money like I own them. I'm so useless like shit.
They deserve a better daughter. I'm not a good daughter. I'm just their another burden. I'm really really sorry. I'm so sorry. I really am. I wish I could disappear. Maybe things would be different for them.

And honestly. I really can't stand how my brother act towards my mom. He just being so rude towards her and it just making me hating him more. He just keep on blaming things on her even if it was his own fault. He shove all the blame on her. He's so fucked up. I wish he die for real. I'm not even sorry for wishing this. I may be crying if he die but not for long. I'm just tired.

Everyday, I have to look at my mom crying face and how worried and stressful she's been. How she try to look okay in front of me when I clearly know that she's crumbled inside. I had to admit that I really respect my mom for being strong like this. She never show any sign of giving up at all. Maybe she broke down to tears behind me and I'm sure of it but I really admired her for not giving a sign of sadness when we're having family gathering. Even sometimes, I feel like crying you know. Because, you see. I understand how she's feeling, well maybe not wholly but I do. It hurts me so much that I feel numb.

I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. everything seems to fucked up a lot, and even worsen. It seems like bad things keep on happening in our life. Sometimes, I wish that for just one cycle, my parent life were free from stress and shit. They've been through so much in life. just for once, I want to see them smiling again. It's fuzzy in my head on how they used to smile. I can't even remember the last time I saw them smiling or laughing. I just want them to be happy.

And I myself still fucked up. I still cuts myself and I'm not strong enough to stop from doing it. I'm sorry, I really do want to stop but with all this pain I try to hide so much and it's been slowly devouring me. I'm not strong. I really wish I can open up to someone like I did to this blog but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to bother anyone with my problems. I'm done being a burden to everyone. I mean, everybody has their problems so why should I burden them with mine? I know I can handled this. I know, even if I'm not strong enough to handle this, I'm going to stay and fight. I want to know the reason why am I destined to be the daughter of my parents. Am I really just a useless shit? or am I not?
One thing for sure, I'm going to do whatever they want even if I had to throw aside all my dreams and wants. I just want them to be happy. Then I shall do it for them and its the last things I can do.

It's hard for me to faking my smiles in front of the others but I had too. I don't want other people to take pity on me or worried about me. And even sis Jaba didn't know. I've decided to stop telling her anything that's bothering me. She have the rights to be happy like now. I prefer to see her smiling and excited to write another chapter of her story. It's really make me feel at ease sometimes. She doesn't have to know about how fucked up I am. I've been hurting her so bad in the past so I'm through hurting her.
I really thanking the chat apps you see. Since it enable us to hide our true emotion from our chat partner. We can type 'I'm so happy' even when actually we're breaking down and crying like there's no tomorrow. heh. Oh well, technology is great :)

I may not stopping from cutting but I won't commit suicide because I want to be there for my mom and dad. I want to pay all the deeds and support their life like they've done to mine. So, nothing to worry. I'll be just fine till the end.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)