Part Eight: It's Hurt So Much.

Hi~ hi~
I'm here again. hehehe :3 today is my first day of holiday wohoo! and next semester is going to be serious time so I guess I better get myself ready kekeke :3 anyway, today nothing much happen. I'm just feeling down and I'm not sure why. Well, I do know why for the half of my sadness. I mean, of course it was because of the face that I keep on seeing pasted on my mom paled face. Well, she looked pretty stress lately and it's all because of the stupid brother of mine. He's really fucked with our life. I'm just sick and tired about everything that happen lately and its seems like it's going to last forever like this. I'm so stress out but I... I can't actually show that everything that happen have effect me this much. I mean, I just don't want my mom to worry you see. I want her to look up at me and when she see that I'm looking okay and stuff, I want her to be strong for me.

I just don't know anymore. Everything just fucked up. HE keeps on asking few hundred twice a day like the money never finish. Like we can generate our own money. Don't he ever think about dad who had to work for years and only going home for like 2 weeks if he lucky enough. and now, do he ever know that's dad is sick and not many ships would want to take him to work since he's now already reaching 60 years of age? and I'm  still so far away from able to support this family. I'm so stress you know.

And and whenever my dad call, he keeps telling me not to worry about the money and just keep focus on my study like nothing happen. I mean, how am I possibly pretending that everything is fine? the fucker keep on using the money and he tell me not to worry? Of course I'm worried. Well, I'm not worry if I able to further my study or what-so-ever but it just that... it seems you know....he's working so damn hard for me and to support the family but the fucker ruins everything and

now i can't help but to think that I'm being a burden to them. I mean, both of my parents. If I weren't here, like never even exist or born, they would have more money and they won't be that worried even if the fucking brother of mine is involving with this shit since they don't have to worry about spending money for my college and stuff. If I weren't here, it would be better since I'm just a burden. I know this is wrong and I'm sorry but I can't help it but to think like this.

Plus, I'm useless. I can't even make things right, I can't even help them dealing with this. I'm just here, burdening them. I don't deserve such a parent like them. They're being to good for me and I'm honestly grateful to have them as a parent. I'm grateful that they picked me and adopt me of all my other siblings. I'm more that grateful. But I'm nothing but a burden to them. I don't know how I'm going to help them and all I'm doing is spending their money like I own them. I'm so useless like shit.
They deserve a better daughter. I'm not a good daughter. I'm just their another burden. I'm really really sorry. I'm so sorry. I really am. I wish I could disappear. Maybe things would be different for them.

And honestly. I really can't stand how my brother act towards my mom. He just being so rude towards her and it just making me hating him more. He just keep on blaming things on her even if it was his own fault. He shove all the blame on her. He's so fucked up. I wish he die for real. I'm not even sorry for wishing this. I may be crying if he die but not for long. I'm just tired.

Everyday, I have to look at my mom crying face and how worried and stressful she's been. How she try to look okay in front of me when I clearly know that she's crumbled inside. I had to admit that I really respect my mom for being strong like this. She never show any sign of giving up at all. Maybe she broke down to tears behind me and I'm sure of it but I really admired her for not giving a sign of sadness when we're having family gathering. Even sometimes, I feel like crying you know. Because, you see. I understand how she's feeling, well maybe not wholly but I do. It hurts me so much that I feel numb.

I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. everything seems to fucked up a lot, and even worsen. It seems like bad things keep on happening in our life. Sometimes, I wish that for just one cycle, my parent life were free from stress and shit. They've been through so much in life. just for once, I want to see them smiling again. It's fuzzy in my head on how they used to smile. I can't even remember the last time I saw them smiling or laughing. I just want them to be happy.

And I myself still fucked up. I still cuts myself and I'm not strong enough to stop from doing it. I'm sorry, I really do want to stop but with all this pain I try to hide so much and it's been slowly devouring me. I'm not strong. I really wish I can open up to someone like I did to this blog but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to bother anyone with my problems. I'm done being a burden to everyone. I mean, everybody has their problems so why should I burden them with mine? I know I can handled this. I know, even if I'm not strong enough to handle this, I'm going to stay and fight. I want to know the reason why am I destined to be the daughter of my parents. Am I really just a useless shit? or am I not?
One thing for sure, I'm going to do whatever they want even if I had to throw aside all my dreams and wants. I just want them to be happy. Then I shall do it for them and its the last things I can do.

It's hard for me to faking my smiles in front of the others but I had too. I don't want other people to take pity on me or worried about me. And even sis Jaba didn't know. I've decided to stop telling her anything that's bothering me. She have the rights to be happy like now. I prefer to see her smiling and excited to write another chapter of her story. It's really make me feel at ease sometimes. She doesn't have to know about how fucked up I am. I've been hurting her so bad in the past so I'm through hurting her.
I really thanking the chat apps you see. Since it enable us to hide our true emotion from our chat partner. We can type 'I'm so happy' even when actually we're breaking down and crying like there's no tomorrow. heh. Oh well, technology is great :)

I may not stopping from cutting but I won't commit suicide because I want to be there for my mom and dad. I want to pay all the deeds and support their life like they've done to mine. So, nothing to worry. I'll be just fine till the end.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part Seven: I'll Be Dealing With This Alone :)

 



I'm just going to unleash my inner fan-girl a bit in this post about my real OTP hahahaha XD yes, I shipped TaeHoon so bad that its hurt because ChiHoon left Ulzzang Shidae few years back T^T but still, he's still posting pictures on his cyworld and other websites. Well, I've heard la, from his hard-core fans. hehehe :) I personally love my edits :3 I'm so proud of it that I could cry right now. hahahaha like seriously.

It's been a while I didn't post picture of Ulzzangs in here. So yeah, as you can see, I'm back again to m Ulzzang fandom and I think I'm going to stay in this fandom for a moment. kekeke and of course I'm still in Anime Fandom Okay?! hehehehe :3 anyway, right now I suppose to study my Organizational Behaviour since I'm having exam later evening LOLs. I'm fucked up I know! hahahahaha and even more fucked up on Friday and Saturday *cries in the corner* hahahahaha But I'm going to do my best though. So, I thought that I'm going to release my distraction here for a bit before I get down to business. hohohoho :)
So, just hope I'm not going to spend my whole morning here though ahahaha since I really don't studying so yeah *wink*

Okay~ another edits of pictures. This one is tributes to sis Jaba newest fictions and as well as my most favourite after Levedad kekeke:3 God! I just love this Yaoi fic. Yes, you read that right. It's a Yaoi fics which the pair is TaeJun and Chihoon. Ohohoho XD this pairing is just freaking perfects. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. hahahahaha XD

Well, at the same time, I'm writing my own fics too but mine is SNK fan-fictions. hehehe but then I lost my confident in continuing writing that since you know, Jaba perfect English and her powerful sentence is just... wow. I'm no match with her at all. I'm like, wow. hahaha she could explain every movements of the character very well that I could even imagine it like I'm watching Anime. Like seriously. My English just suck you know. Like I always said, even three years old can write even better than me. I just, I don't know... Sometimes I feel like I'm not born to write but I do loves writings. Like this, I mean... I can write for the whole week non-stop you know. hahahaha but yeah, the problem is I'm not very confident since my English sucks T^T *rolls on the grass*

I feel even worst when I read Jaba's fics. Hahahahaha sshhhhh don't tell her this though. I don't want her to stop writing because of me since it's her hidden passion you see. I mean, I can see that it's the only things that make her look lively and in good mood. hehehehehe so, yeah. Just don't ever tell her *pinky promise* Well, honestly said. I'm pretty envious with her writing skills. Like seriously, she's born to write. She don't even need to like go to writing class or what-so-ever. All she need to do is sit there and writes and everything come out perfect. Gosh, I admired her so much that its hurt. hahahaha XD I wish I have that kind of talent you know. But my talent is like, uh.... reading and roll on the floor hahahaha XD or or counting the grass. I don't think I ever had any talent, other than procrastinating. LOLs. pity me.

Anyway, I seriously wanted her to keep continue on writing. Like it's her hidden talent and she's like very clueless about it. I want to be there and support her until she realized about it herself. Maybe one day, she'll realized that she can go further in writing industry. I mean, come on. She had the potential okay? hahahaha so, I'm gonna say this again. If she ever manage to finish her Levedad one day, I'm going to print it out and maybe I would look for publisher without her knowing it. hehehe :3 I just want her to know that she have bright future. Even if the whole world (families) might against her, I'm going to stay with what I believe in. I believe she can be a real writer in the future. Well, free-lance writer to be exacts. kekeke ;3

This is I promised to myself :)

So, you see. I'm pretty much in a bad condition right now. hahahaha *sighs* I'm back with my self-cutting again. Well, honestly I just cuts myself few minutes ago but I feel no pain. It feel like I'm immune with the pain. ahahahaha well, the things is... I don't know what's been bothering me lately but I really feel distracted like a lots of times. I feel like I'm not belong in this world and stuff like that. I just hate it when it happen. And especially when I feel angry, I would automatically reached for the blade and cuts again. Wow, I just. Well, I'm not proud of this and I just want to stop but I just too weak that I bowed to the temptation. I just, well... I think no one knew that my addiction to self-harming is pretty bad lately. Like well, I do shares with sis Jaba about this but then, it just like ordinary conversation like I'm telling her like "Hey, I self-harmed again today," or something like that. hahahaha honestly. I think I should stop telling her about it. I mean, I don't want to burden her anymore like worrying about me and stuff or maybe I think she's worried about me. hahahaha

Ugh... I think, the reason I'm not fond to stop self-harming is that because I feel like no one really care even if I bleed to death. I mean, well of course those I've been telling is like "You should stop because I care a lot about you," something like that but it words is just a words right? Anybody can say that. Even I can say that to strangers. I'm just not convinced about that kind of shit anymore. Maybe, if they show me prove, I would. But so far, none. *sighs* I'm demanding I know and I'm just. *sighs*
I lost my trust to everyone, like I've told you in my previous post. I lost my trust in words because I'm sick and tired of empty promises. I mean, I really need those who said they care to SHOW me that they really care but it's too much to ask though. hahaha well, just forget it. I'm going to pretend that I've stop then. ehehehe and I'm not going to burden anyone anymore. It's my problem, so I'll deal with it :)

So, I have another project to do for my upcoming semester break. Hohohoho. In fact, I've been planning a few projects for the whole 2 weeks. yeah~ hahahaha and I just can't wait for it! god, I'm so looking forward for my semester break. But I need to go through hell first before end up in heaven. kekekeke :D

Well, there are 7 things I'm listing for my Semester Break Project

1. changing room wallpaper
2. rearranging stuff in le precious room
3. Writing Project
4. Anime Marathon Project
5. True Blood Marathon Project
6. Weight Loss Project. (I'm targeting for 60 Kg) hehehe
7. Self-Healing Project ( like going to continue writing my feelings on blog )

So yeah. My 2 week holiday will be just awesome! hahahahahaha I hope I'm not going to procrastinate too much though. ahahaha seriously, I'm very good at procrastinating in this few months. hahahahahaha XD

So, I guess that's all from me. I want to bath then I shall study with all my guts. Okay bye!
Have a nice day
*kissu*

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears ;)

Abandoned Post O.O

Hi~ hi~ ! greetings humanoids.
I'm back again after few days of MIA from mr. bloggy. hehehe gomenasai! i'm pretty much busy spending time in Tumblr in this few days. Haish, I don't even try to do my marketing assignment you know and when the fact is that I'm going to present on this tuesday T^T. Well, I'm trying my best to get in the mood right now but my head was very distracted hahahaha I don't know why. I'm just pretty much distracted right now. Anyway, yesterday, I read this one Yaoi manga and it's so fluffy and sexy at the same time. ohohohoho even the character drawn was very detail. if you know what i mean  hahahaha then that its strike me. hahaha like what have i become? am I a pervert? hahahaha oh well, I can't say though. Since my curiosity definitely on top of my head. I always wonder how to men be together hahahaha together in bed i mean. hohoho. Demo, I'm not the only one who are BL fans hohoho XD

So, I'm now in fandom of Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titans) as well as part-timing in becoming Ryugamine Mikado of Durarara!! ahh, now in Mikado's blog is full of SNK arts hahaha. I'm feeling that I'm making Mikado looks like he was adoring SNK character haishh. hahaha oh well, i can't stop reblogging SNK since my Mika-chan dashboard is full of SNK. I can't help it >.< Well, I haven't watch anime version yet since I'm thinking to watch it on my precious holiday on September. hehehe :)
Speaking of SNK, like every other anime I've watched, I also have my OTP hehehe and that is dun dun dunn~~~!!

EREN JAEGER X LEVI RIVAILLE

OHOHOHOHO~!

I can't get enough of this two.

I mean, for me they are both so perfect with each other ahahaha

Damn >.<

I'm actually liking Levi Rivaille since he was so cool and so talented in killing those titans you know

the fact that he's the fastest soldier of Scounting Legion when using 3DMG. waaah.. perf... just perfect. this was when I was reading le manga. then, I took a sneak peak at anime for a couple of episode and that's when I feel like I'm into Eren Jeager as well. hehehe :) He look much better in anime than manga though. In my opinion lah. And uh, Eren is very determined kid and had too much too handle you see. hmmm... but that's doesn't make him giving up you see. so that's why I like him. So, there comes my OTP hehehe :)

Actually, at first i was in ArminXEren ships. 

Um... what else? life nowadays? well, nothing much had change somehow. Everything still fucked up and I just don't know when this gonna end. Pressure, pressure everywhere. I'm just losing it at times you know and the urge to cut is sometimes came back to me but I try real hard not to bow down. hahaha like seriously. Even some of the days, I looked at my fading scars and thought like, "I could cut deeper," hahaha seriously. But as the scars fades, I feel proud of myself. I'm able to stand up now but I'm still can't have my confidence about myself yet. hahaha maybe I'll try to fulfill my basic level of needs first. kekeke :3 and uhh....

things that happen is very confusing and frustrating in this few days. I mean, my brother keep asking a very huge amounts of money while my dad is going to retired soon. So, my mom is like, so pissed in this few days and she's like scolded me for everything that she think is wrong in my doings. Then, at times she would randomly told me to study harder and continue on my degrees and stuff and get a good job so I can support her and dad one day. Well, not that I want to say that's wrong. But I still so far from getting my degree and under this kind of circumstances with my teammates and my laziness and pressures I keep on getting, I don't think I can make them proud. I don't even feel like I can pass this upcoming exam you know. I mean, I'm... I just I don't know... I feel so small when it come to study. I'm not a good student, not a bad either but I just, haishhh.... The lecturers are so bias you see. All of them do. Like they paying double attention on their favorite students. heh, whatever. So, I just couldn't wait to finish my study soon and if can, I want to find another place to continue my study. I think I just need some new environment to be at hahaha >.<

like seriously. 

somewhere far away.

I keep on dreaming to go to Japan one day. ahahaha and I guess this is my most wanted goals to achieve. I want to walk around shibuya streets and take pictures with all the cosplayers and osharekeis on the streets and even buy myself some clothings ughhhh!! I just want to go there. I would buy every anime-related when I go there one day hahaha :) But then, if this matter won't change any time soon, I guess it just become further away from me. Oh well, once I get a job, I definitely going to save it so I can go to japan~!


*this should be posted on 18/8/2013 but I suddenly stop half-way and I wonder why hahahaha >.<
Oh well~ i'll just let it slide for now

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

I'm Bend and Close to Broken.

There are so many times I feel fucked up

Feeling the anger bubbling up

Making me feel hatred towards anything, everything

I don't wanna hate

Hate is such a strong words

I don't ever wanna hate

Hate is making me fell into pit of anger

Angers

I can't even control it anymore

Losing my temper is the last thing I wanna do

I would hurt everyone that around me

This anger is the one that bring death to me

I'm defeated by this anger of mine

I wish I never have this emotion.

I'm tired of hurting people

I'm tired of being left behind

I'm tired of being blame

I'm tired of being hatred

I'm tired of misunderstanding

Depression

My dearest best friends

I don't think it will leave me soon

I feel so fucked up

Everyone seems to hate me secretly

Shoving all the blame on me

Or making me feel like I deserved all the blame

I just want to fade away

I just want to feel better

I just want to stop faking my real emotion

Was it too much to ask?

I,

I lost myself once again

I'm sorry I can't stop myself any longer

I'm fallen deeper than yesterday

This time I don't know when I'll be back again

For this hole seems too deep

and its slippery and stiff for me to hold on

I'm sorry I lose control

But I have reasons that I can't tell

Reasons that I don't even realized why

I'm sorry I'm so fucked up

I'm not strong enough to stop

Everything just triggering me

Every drop of blood I shed

Will constantly make me feel at ease

The pain I felt on my skins

Is nothing than the pain I kept inside me

I just want to release my pain

So please

Please understand me

This may not the best way

But for me

It's the only things

That could ever

Make me feel like

I'm in control

of my own emotion

Again.

Don't mind the scars

Don't mind the blood

Don't mind the pain

I wish I could cry easily

Expressed myself openly to everyone

But I just can't

and that just me

I'm bend and close to broken.

If you hear me scream

Please save me

Part 6 (II): When The Clock Chimes 12 Times

It's just so frustrating to live my own life you know. I can't even be happy even for a while. Well honestly said, today is the best day I ever had so far and so it's gonna end soon. I can feel it in my guts. I can feel it with all my sense that it's gonna end soon. Oh well, it's not I'm new with this. I'm having this little feeling to cry you see. I'm currently listening to Aru Ga Mama, song by Anamu & Maki and the music and the voices is very soothing, their voices touches me right on the heart. I feel very invisible you know. I mean, it such a simple song and it touch me so deeply. I sometimes find myself swaying accordingly to the sound of this song and my feelings... One time I feel sad, then I feel lonely but at the same time, I feel glad and happy. I don't know why I'm having this mix feeling when I'm listening to them singing...It's not like I understand the lyrics hehehe me no speak japanese bah~ hehehe but then, I searched the lyrics online and it has a perfect meaning of what I'm feeling. yes. It's no wonder that it could touch me. hehehei :)

But honestly said right now. I'm feeling a bit lonely and I just want to cry all out. But, something holding me from doing it. I don't know. Maybe I just could cry or maybe it just I'm feeling my chest is clenching. I don't know. But what I know that I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's because I have so many regrets. or maybe I'm just feeling wanting to disappear. I just want to disappear. Yeah, most of the time.

But still, I want to be around. I want to be around those people I care and those who I think still care. My heart aching right now. Hm.... Wonder if there people still care about me? What if it just my feeling that people still care when there isn't anyone. What if? I can't stop wondering sometimes. I mean, I can't find any cues that telling me people around me, people near me are care about me. Even my mom. She mostly care about Shawn and his dad. Telling me that it's going to be my responsibility to take care of Shawn one day, telling me not to hate my brother when he hurt her for like thousands of time. Heh.

And when she with me, all she ask me is study, telling me not to buy my favourite stuff, asking me to further my study, criticizing me for being lazy. Well, I'm sorry for I can't be a perfect daughter. I'm not perfect. I wish that, just for once, she would ask me about how my school is, what I really want, my wishes, ask me if I'm really okay or even listen to my opinion for once. Just for Once. I think I'll be happy. But, heh. this is just one of my wishful thinking. I'm upset but everyday, I have to put on a smile or keep myself away from people. I'm not a good liar, I must say.

And it's not like I want to complain or whatever. I just couldn't take it anymore. I mean, like how sis Jon and Lalan and they all treat me. I know they are being nice and stuff but is it what they really felt towards me? What if they all just pretending because they need my help. I mean, like sis Jon. She always like bringing me shopping and stuff and she always told me that she won't care if I say no if I don't want to. You know what, that's truly bullshit. She actually care. Its not like I'm always saying no to her, only occasionally. But every time I did so, she will start to ignore me and act like as if she was sulking and stuff. It hurt me so bad you know. It make me feel guilty It's like she's putting the blame on me. Even when I forgot to reply her message, she'll be like, if you don't want to be with me then fine, go. but then, if I message her, she didn't reply so it's okay if I'm hurt and not okay for her? it's not like I'm purposely doing that. So, day by day, until now... I'm doing it purposely and blaming my phone for that. I just don't care.
As for Lalan. She just used me. When she have her friends around, she just threw me to the side and came pick me up again when her friends leaving. I feel like recycle stuff you know. But I born to have dog traits that I stay loyal to whom ever treat me nicely even if they just faking it. So, I stay. I just. I don't know what's gotten into me. I hate this loyal traits of mine. I just don't have the guts to shove people away like they all did to me. I'm just like, be here and let them do whatever they want on me.

If they don't want to be with me, fine. But please don't hurt me like this. I'm a human too. I have feeling like them. But they never took noticed when I want to be alone. They keep on giving me hard time. Maybe they think it's okay to hurt me because I appear to look tough and stuff. Don't they know that I'm appear strong because I don't want them to be sad because of me.

I'm not so sure how I'm going to keep moving in this life of mine. I'm tired of everything around me. The only few things that still keeping me alive until today is sis Jaba, Valerie, Shawn, and Anime. If one day, if let say I'm losing all four, I guess I don't have anymore reason to live. Heh, even future. I don't think I even have the bright one. Heh.

Oh well, better wash my face now :)
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Mikida :)

Part 6: Every Clouds Have Its Silver Lining :) (I)

Greetings, humans~ I've been in MIA since forever I guess hohoho that's because I'm not very motivated to update. I do want to update since there are bunch of stuff I wanna share but still, i'm very stressed out with y assignments, tutorials and even my teammates gah! everything just going to make my head explode until I feel like want to do nothing, including, self-cutting you know. hahaha I guess I'm too freaking stressed to think about anything. All I do all day is sit in front of my lappy and watch anime from morning until next morning hohohoho. Demo, I'm going to be doom soon since my holiday only 3 days left so... I haven't done a shit including my assignments and presentation slide. I'm fucked up right now. I wish I could cry but I couldn't since it's not that bad. hahaha plus, my team members really have no team work at all and I'm so fucked up this semester. I wish I could be my own group you know. Maybe I could finish it half semester ago. Gosh >.< but I was thinking to start everything tonight... ummm not tonight... but maybe sometimes around tomorrow. hohohoh I need to get some shit done though haaaaaa! I wish I have somebody to motivate me doing my homework. 

sometimes I wish my figurine can talk you know. it's freaking lonely not having anyone that understand you to talk with. You see, I'm very-very easy getting annoyed by people presence and I don't know why. I always act indifferent with everybody and I keep on secretly rolling eyes every time they talked about stuff. Well, its because they're talking about the stuff I'm not fond with. I can't... just can't be with this kind of people. I want to move to Japan! 

if let say that my Rin and Yukio and Iza-chan can talk to me, I'm soooo gonna bring them everywhere I'm going hahaha I mean, at least I'm not worry that they gonna leave me or whatever. haish, well that's just one of my wishful thinking. I never gonna have a person who understand the likes like me :) we're too freakish limited edition  then again, thinking back... I do have a person who is just like me. Well, sis jaba of course demo... due to limited time we're spending, I'm still very lonely. well, she really does making my hear joyful and stuff and even just for a while, I feel like I'm no longer the only person who walk on earth. it just the best moment still... like i said, the time. its like we're living in different time zone sometimes. hohoho i'm babbling. blahblahblah. okay next!

So, like I've said.. I'm under recover from self-harming. It's been few days since my last cut though. I wonder if my prayers has been answered. I mean, every time I went to church, I keep asking for guidance, back to where I can find the light in the darkness of my life. last few month ago, I'm very much hopeless and I see nothing but darkness around me. Not even one person try to reach me and stop me from doing this self-mutilation. I mean, for those who knows. Like lalan, she did saw my new fresh cut last time but she didn't bother to say anything. Well, not like I want to stop somehow. but that time, I just wish she could do or say something. Then I realize, she never did care about anything about me. All she care is about me being with her when her friend fly away from her. Heh, I'm always being the stupid one to stay though. Well, that's not the problem. So... I was like wanting to end myself. I took painkillers and oh right!

 speaking of which... actually I was actually almost getting addicted to painkiller and anything pill-like. You see, I was in my mental breakdown that time and at the same time, I'm having toothache. So, I'm like taking this pills to reduce the aches from my tooth. But after a while, I'm no longer having my toothaches but I'm like, convincing myself that it's hurt. even when it's only like a little hurt like being bite by ants, I took like painkillers and paracetamol for a while until my mom told me that I took too much pills. That when it hits me. I'm like "Am I addicted in taking painkillers?" so, I'm trying to control my painkiller pill-taking. In the end, I managed without anyone even noticed about my almost-addicted-to-painkiller stuff. one of the reason, I sometimes taking painkiller for no reason is that I believed that it could help me heal my breakdown. hahaha stupid, I know. I dunno if there are people are doing this to themselves. hm.... but that God. I managed. That's why I said, I always managed.  No one knew about this though. I keep it to myself mostly and I remember that I told my aunt next door that I'm having toothache so she gave me her medicine whenever I'm out hahaha gosh, that's quite freaking me out right now. hahaha and and I always take my painkiller without having anything to eat before taking it. Its like, I'm taking those pills with empty stomach. I think that time I only think of ending myself slowly by taking those pills. hahaha oh well, it's painkiller tho. It's healing me instead of killing hahaha irony.

Enough about my little dark secret kekeke. SO back to my self-harming. I've stopped after I started to watch the law of Ueki. Well, not quite. For a few first episode I did cut myself though and suddenly my paranoia gets me and well, actually I'm thanking my paranoia hahahaha actually, after I've done cutting and I'm like going blank for a moment, staring at the blades I've been using and thats when my paranoia hits me. its making me thought that 'What if the blade got rust? you've gonna have a very bad time and dies" at first I'm not so concern but then its strike me again like, "If you die, then its no use. Who's gonna take care of your mom? your fucking brother? damn it~ why can't i just be selfish? don't you care about your mom at all?" hahahaha i don't know. I'm like fighting with myself you know... Its feel like I'm having my soul divided into two and thank God, the good one is winning. So, from that time, I keep myself away from my blades hehehe. Plus, I'm no longer using my eyebrows blade, I'm using sharpeners blade which more working for me in calming my shit down and much faster reliever. heh, sound nuts but I bet all cutter out there  is agreeing with me. 

so, right now. I'm free from self-harm :) I hope I'm gonna stay strong like this and never ever consider self-harm anymore. I mean, there's always a silver lining in every dark clouds :)

My life has been up and down and there are some that leaving and some that come back and some even just be there when they need me to. But I'm through all that. I'm accepting my life as it is. Well, I know it eventually will happen again sometimes in the future since like people said, our life is circling but all we've got to do is keep moving forwards because everything happen for a reason. Maybe not many out there are strong like me. Well, not saying that I'm strong. I'm still very weak you know. I really really need someone to support me through thick and thin but still, I'm done hoping for someone to do that. I have to save myself from anything. So, I'm determine to be my own hero. no matter how low I'm going to fall, I'm gonna help myself stand back up again and climb. But I'm always wonder  though, until when can I keep relying on myself? What if someday, I feel like I can't take it anymore and just give up? 

Well, heh... i'm not so sure whats going on inside my head you see. Sometimes I feel like all fire up to save myself and sometimes I feel like, oh well, I don't give a damn about what will happen to me. I'm not sure and I don't even understand myself anymore. I'm having identity conflicts hahahaha...

Hey you know what? I'm gonna continue tomorrow. hahahaha I suddenly feel lazy though :) so yeah

byebye for today

Part II will be tomorrow

I promise!

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Face.