100 Truths. [ I'm redoing it ]

LASTS:
1. Last beverage→
*   Plain Water

2. Last phone call→ 
*  Mom
3. Last text message→ 
*   From hui-hui, "Don't worry that bag is big enough for you to see."

4. Last song you listened to→ 
*   I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift

5. Last time you cried→
* Yesterday because of that one short video I found in Youtube xD

HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice?
*   Oh lol. Well, technically I did. With Logan, if that's count HAHAHAHA

2. Been cheated on? 
*  Nah.
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? 
*   Nope. I never kiss and tell *wink*

4. Lost someone special?
*  Many times. 
5. Been depressed? 
*   Hahahaha well, it's part of me now. 
6. Been drunk and threw up?
*  The perks of having high alcohol tolerance I guess hehe

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:
*Four? Hm... Black, Blue, Light Purple and Light Green.

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends → 
* I did and I love them.

2. Fallen out of love →
*  Never.

3. Laughed until you cried →
* Aw geez. Yes, but not as often.

4. Met someone who changed you →
* Hm.... Probably. But change me for the better, of course.

5. Found out who your true friends were →
*  Yeah, I guess.
6. Found out someone was talking about you → 
* Hahahahaha I guess so?

7. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list? 
* Nope.

8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life?
*  Almost everyone since I pretty much just accept those who I know in real-life?
9. How many kids do you want to have? 
*  Two. Better if I can have a boy and a girl.

10. Do you have any pets?
*  Yes. 

11. Do you want to change your name? 
*  Nope. I Like my name actually.

12. What did you do for your last birthday?
*  First time celebrating it with friends and make me realize that it's better celebrating with my fam instead xD

13. What time did you wake up today?
* 10 ish something.

14. What were you doing at midnight last night →
*  Updating blog haha

15. Name something you CANNOT wait for →
* Start working and continue with my life.

16. Last time you saw your father?
*  Few minutes ago hahaha

17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life→ 
*  Having a better and responsible brother.

18. What are you listening to right now → 
*  Antidote by Faith Marie. This song spoke to me real deep.

19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom →
*   Uhh........ Tom who?
23. What’s getting on your nerves right now?
*  Pretty much everything. hahaha

24. Most visited web page → 
*  Currently, Blogger, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram

WHAT:
1. What’s your name → 
* Fergiee Frederick
2. Nicknames →
*  Pgie Deryck, Gie, Ngeng, Bibi, Pigi.

3. Relationship Status →
*  Waiting for Logan Lerman to DM me on Twitter.

4. Zodiac sign → 
*  Capricorn
5. Male or female →
* Female.
6. Elementary school→ 
* Srk pujut corner, Sk Lutong
7. High School →
* SMK Pujut
8. Height →
* 167 cm

10. Hair color → 
* A bit purple-ish

11. good at → 
*  Being the family disappointment hahaha i'm kidding. Good at stay motivate, I guess?

16. bad at → 
*  Keeping contact with people.

17. What do you like about yourself? 
*  Mostly my determination and courage in trying something new. 

18: What don’t you like about yourself?
*Sometimes, I can be too negative.

19. Piercings →
* 3 - one the left, two on the right.
20. Tattoos →
* I'm thinking of getting one hahaha

21. Righty or lefty →
*  Both. Though I'm better with my right.

FIRSTS :
22. First fight →  Uhh... Fist fight or verbal fight? Fist fight, never. Verbal fight, once or twice.

23. First embarrassment →  Well, too many tbh xD

24. First best friend →  Valerie and being a bad friend I am, I hadn't actually go and find her U.U

26. First kiss → Waiting for the right person :) 

27. First pet → Scooby.
28. First vacation→ Labuan 

29. First crush → B-rock (BSB)

30. First Boyfriend → Andy and no, he's not the character name I've always used. He's a real person believe it or not HAHAHAHA

49. Eating → None for now.

50. Drinking → Plain Water.
52. I’m about to → Post this I guess? And probably write another entry cuz I'm on fire right now xD

53. Listening to → Gotta Let Go by Hollywood Undead. 10/10 Recommended tbh

55. Waiting for → Logan Lerman to realize that I'm the love of his life HAHHAHAHAHAHA

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids? → Sure, why not? Kids are adorable.

59. Want to get married? → If I met the right person, why not?
60. Careers in mind? → Youtuber? Influencer? I don't know. Either one is fine.

YOUR PERFECT MATE
68. Lips or eyes →  Both
69. Hugs or kisses → Both
70. Shorter or taller →Taller
71. Older or Younger → Older
72. Passive or aggressive →Both
73. Personality or looks →Both
74. Quiet or loud →Both
75. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship
where is 76? → Running off somewhere.
77. Trouble maker or hesitant → Both

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → Nope
79. Drank hard liquor → Yep
80. Lost glasses/contacts → Definitely
81. Told a big lie…or joke → Sure
82. Broken someone’s heart → Yeah
83. Had your own heart broken→ Countless of time.
85. Been arrested → So far, no.
86. Turned someone down → Of course.
87. Cried when someone died → Duh?
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → Yep.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → I do
90. Miracles → Definitely
92. Hell → I literally just crawl back from there. It's in my head.
93. Santa Clause → Yep
95. Kiss on the first date? → Yes?
96. Angels → I do

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → 
    I do. I wish to be with my grandpa and grandma for one last time and ask them for advices.

98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?
    Nah. Unless you counted Celebrity crush?

100. Posting this as 100 Truths? 
   I am. I mean, why did I even wasted my few minutes to answers all the question if I'm not even posting this? *eye rolls*

So I Tried A Numerology Compatibility Test of Me and Logan Lerman

So, here's the result HAHHAHAHAHAHA and it's a little scary because it's pretty much correct in my part. I'm not sure about Logan, but mine is like 75% correct HAHAHAHA

https://www.celebrities-galore.com/celebrities/logan-lerman/fergiee.933421/compatibility-01C8/


Compatibility level: 25% - A relationship that presents frequent challenges and requires much compromise.


Logan Lerman is attracted to Fergiee's strength and stability. Fergiee is the grounded force, offering almost unconditional love and protection. Logan feels safe and secure in Fergiee's love. Fergiee thrives on giving love, comfort and protection, and in short, Fergiee is Logan's haven.
Fergiee recognizes and is attracted to Logan's free spirit. Logan has courage and curiosity and brings excitement and growth to the relationship. Logan's Life Path number 5 and Fergiee's master number 33 complement each other very well.

It is interesting to note that this kind of partnership is somewhat rare due to some initial distrust these two have to overcome when they first meet. Logan- and Fergiee's archetypes have very little in common and usually don’t reach out to bridge the gap. As a consequence, although not impossible, love at first sight is rarely found in this match.

When people like Logan and Fergiee are drawn to each other, it is usually very physical and sensual. Once they connect, the attraction quickly grows powerful, overshadowing just about everything else in their lives. This physical attraction is a strong foundation and while many couples, after a period time, often lose interest in the physical aspect - at least to some degree - in this particular case the physical attraction will last a long time and remain powerful. This physical attraction is particularly important to Logan, who is by nature a sensual person.

Once the initial distrust is overcome, Fergiee realizes that there is much more substance to Logan than Logan initially revealed. Fergiee found out that Logan, in spite of a reluctance to commit, is extremely loyal and trustworthy.

The popular notion that people who change so easily and adapt to new circumstances quickly may not be so strong in their commitment is proven wrong when applied to Logan. In fact, Logan is less likely to cheat than most people. On the other hand, Fergiee can become a source of frustration and jealousy for Logan because Fergiee gives love freely and generously. In order to keep harmony, Logan needs to understand that this is simply Fergiee's nature. Logan is quick with hugs and shows of care and love to other people, but this should not be a reason for Logan not to trust Fergiee, or to be jealous.
Fergiee simply has a lot of love to give. Teaching, healing, and counseling - even if they are not part of Fergiee's career - are major ingredients in the Fergiee's makeup, and Fergiee needs avenues to express them. It is important that Logan keeps that in mind and does not let misplaced jealousy come between them.

The most difficult challenge Fergiee may have to overcome is to accept the fact that Logan is certainly a social animal. For Logan to be happy, Logan must live a dynamic life; full of impulsive decisions, changes, social activities and travel. With some exaggeration, one might say that Fergiee loves the home while Logan loves the pub. Keeping that in mind, they will both need to offer their partner a lifestyle that is in harmony with what they want for themselves.


ALSO, I have realized that Logan and I have similar facial feature. Look at this picture...


I mean, look at our eyes shaped. They're look the same and our smiles too and our face shape its like augh. too uncanny HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
aduih


Help me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ok that's all byebye


xoxo
Mrs. Lerman is out

I'm Fine, but I'm Not Okay

Heyyo! I'm back again.
Well, I haven't been myself lately. I mean, since my last post because of a sudden rush of emotion hit me like all at once. So, I was having a slight emotional overload. I did try to like... You know, talk it out or write it down but it just, I don't know. I just... first time ever that I don't actually know what's happening to me. I mean, I know what happen to me it just that, usually I know what's making me feeling this way but this time, everything feel so dull. And you know I'm feeling worst when I started to write again. hahahaha yeah, that's how I know I'm not feeling myself. Whenever I start to write again, it's mean that I am not okay. I mean, I feel fine. It just that... I don't know. Most of the time I just feel like I'm a huge disappointment. I mean, overall. I am a disappointment. And now that I'm back at Miri again, and I feel like I just wasted the money that my parents gave me when I was still at Singapore. It feel like a dream that I went there. I feel bad for leaving but I feel like I'm doing the right thing. When I was still there, I don't feel like I belong there. I don't know, it just. Everything over there just not for me. The city is cool and all and the people there is okay but I just don't feel like I belong to the place. But maybe I am just making excuses for leaving that place but I don't know. 

I don't know what I'm feeling lately. I'm literally shutting down and I shut everyone, I mean EVERYONE out. I don't even give a shit about anyone. I'm literally just moving soulless. I started to write again because I'm scared that I might lose myself. That I completely shutting down and just live my life like a robot. Soulless. I've been doing nothing for the past two month and hell, I don't feel good about it. I started to care about what other people may think about it and how their perspective on me. I mean, I know well how people think. And now that I'm jobless, I can sense all the stares and wordless judgements I get from people. Maybe I'm just overthinking it but you know how it is. People may started to think that I'm going to turn into my hopeless brother. 

And speaking of that piece of shit. Damn, he really a piece of shit. I mean, I'm sure he know that no one in this household is working, but damn.... He still be asking for couple of hundreds. I'm just... I'm past being disappointment at him. I want to not losing hope on him but I can't. I can't because I can't having hope on someone who doesn't even give a shit about changing his lifestyle. 

I'm seriously stressed but I feel fine at the same time. It just sometimes, I feel like death is pretty convenience.  I'm useless. I try to minimize everything I used in the house. Like eating, using electricity.... I just, I feel bad for everything you know. Like, *shrugs* I don't know. I'm so so fucking lost right now.

 I really am not sure where I'm going or what I'm going to do next with my life. I'm seriously losing my sight of how I've been imagine my future would be. I mean, I've been growing up to be a girl who always have clear vision of what she wants in life and she would do whatever to make it come true. Right now, I don't know if I still am that same girl or maybe I still have it in me. I don't know. I'm actually a little bit doubting myself lately. There are times that I thought like I wanna try writing but I know how bad my writing is hahahaha and currently, I wanna try to do the Youtube thingy. Maybe I will try the Youtube thingy. I know what I need to get before I get started but then I still need to find the job first. Then, I can afford to buy stuff essential for my channel. And also, I've been thinking that I wanna buy some furniture for my house and actually lives there. It's seems wasted that I didn't even lives there tbh. Maybe once I get the job, the first thing I would do is to connect Wifi to the house. Then, I'll do the rest. *Sighs* 

 And I'm also pretty worry about Shawn. He become more and more stubborn and he's too obsess with his phone. Sometimes I feel like slapped him you know. hahahaha but I'm not gonna do that though. I'm not that bad. *Sighs*

And both mom and dad. They're both aren't well. I know it but they doesn't wanna show it to me, like they always did. And I guess, I'm failing at mending things with dad. Gosh, right now I'm 1320% sure that I fucked everything that I ever do. Family, work, friendships--- It feels like everything I did, always turn out badly. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason and that things doesn't ended well for me because it wasn't the path that I'm suppose to take. I know and I embrace that fact but it just so hard. Because I feel like an ultimate failure. 

People always says that you're gonna regret it if you don't do it but they never say that when things doesn't turn out like you hope they would, it will hurt you like hell, make you feel like a failure and ultimate disappointment for your family and shit. I don't know how I'm gonna fix things in my life right now. Everything feel so... bad and I can't even cry. So it's really bad.Like really, really bad. 
There was a time that I wanna drag the blade across my wrist but I didn't do it. I don't wanna be to reliable on the blades though. I mean, I feel overwhelmed with feelings that I don't even know what feeling am I actually feeling right now. I mean, I know what I need to do, but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing anymore. 

Also, this Tuesday I'm going back to Singapore and to take my stuff back. I guess I'll use that time to think thoroughly on everything. On what I really really wanna do and how I wanna fix things. Fix my mental state so I can come back and be the girl that have a strong set of minds, the girl who doesn't know how to give up, the girl who always shows people that she's able to do shit that they thought she couldn't, and be the girl who is always have her own back, no matter how much life try to drag her down. 
I want to be that girl again. and the small voice inside my head is telling me that I just need to do things slowly. try not to overwhelm myself with the things I wanna do. Just do things slowly. Do it one by one. Maybe I can list down what I should do after I get my things back from Singapore.
Okay, here goes nothing:

1. Write cover letter and send the resume.
2. Bring stuff to my house and arrange my stuff there, make it more like home.

 That's all? hahahahaha Yeah, and most of the other things is only can be done after I have my first pay check. I need money for it hahahaha *Sighs* Finger cross so hard that I can get that job that I've been wanted to try. The librarian assistance. I don't know how much they're going to pay me but I don't really mind that, since I wanna set up my Youtube channel. I mean, if I can make it work, I can actually have extra income hahahaha. But I'm not sure if I can do it, I mean, it took hard work and time. Well, I guess I'll never know if I never try. AND YEah, can you see my problems here?

 I always not afraid to try new things but when things doesn't work out like I wanted it too, it will hit me hard. Like right now. I've been soulless human for two straight month hahaha *sighs*

 Oh, also... Today I found out that Logan and Alexandria Ddarrio ever engage with each other I'm like whaaaat. But they end things last two years back. And I realize that I wasn't really into Logan back there too and then, I went back obsessing with him, last year. I wishes him happy birthday hahahaha and I think, I didn't do it this year. Oh well, I still have next year. HAHAHAHA Also, yesterday I was suddenly thinking that Dylan Minnette is so cute and so I went on google his picture and then I realize that he looks almost like Logan. I'm like DAMN. Logan Lerman is my seriously my type. HAHAHAHAHA I don't know why I like him so much. If you look at my older post, everything is like almost about him. HAHAHAHAHA
but back then, I was definitely obsess with him. Nowadays, I'm just using most of his pictures as one of the character in the story I'm writing HAHAHAHA I mean, I need a reason to download his pictures. Like what if one day he happen to really is my future husband and if he ask me why do I have one whole folder full with his pics, so I can tell him that I was using it for my stories and stuff HAHAHAHAHA

 Wow, if Logan Lerman really going to marry me one day, I'm gonna ask him to hit me, every morning because I could be dreaming or in a long coma. HAHAHAHAHA But finger cross though. For now, I'm just pretending that I'm actually dating him. I don't wanna look for relationship right now to be honest. Well. Except for Logan. If he wanna date me, I'd say yes right away. HAHAHAHA I mean, c'mon now. You wouldn't say no to him either. But yeah, serious talk though. I have so much in my plate right now. I need to straighten things up with my dad, I need to discipline Shawn and I need to prove to my mom that I'm able to take care of both Shawn and I. That she doesn't have to be worried about Shawn and focus on making herself feel better. It's enough that she and dad have my idiotic brother to be worry about. *sighs* 

 Sometimes, I couldn't help but to wonder why I have so much in my plate? Am I really capable of balancing this plate of responsibility and my life? Because most of the time, I feel like I'm incapable of doing that hahahaha. Why are You putting so much faith in me? I am a literal piece of garbage, Lord. But I guess, I'm gonna have my answers when I'm not looking for it, like usual hahaha. *sighs* Well, for sure, I'm not asking for much but strength and faith. I won't ask things to get easier but please, please, pleaaase give me strength so I can face it like I suppose to. 





Well, I guess that's all I wanna talk about right now. Hmmm..... I don't know if anything even make any sense. HAHAHAHA I just write whatever that popped up in my head. Also, that is my favourite selfie of me so far hahahaha. 

Last but not the least.... Well, I just wanna say that, Lord. If you hear me right now, while I'm juggling with all this responsibility and depression, can you at least rewards me Logan Lerman? HAHAHAHAHAHA
I'm half kidding. [ FINGER CROSS SO HARD ]





 Okay, then. I guess that really all.
Stay safe, darling.

 xoxo
P.S : Life is fair because it's being unfair towards everybody.

Soulmate ♥ Random Topic ♥



Hello, hi! hahahaha
     This is not that random topic though but I just came back from facebook and I read this one post about a women of early twenties, around my age actually and she been saying something like she had everything except for a boyfriend. So in the articles, someone answer her and they told her like they have this one friend who told them that they wrote a list containing the traits of a guy they wanna get married with in a piece of paper and then rip it off and let flew with the wind~ and yeah, now the women married with the guy that have pretty much have the traits they listed down in the list i guess. I didn't really read it through hahahaha but anyway, the theory is interesting and no, I'm not saying that I'm doing it because I'm in need of a boyfriend, noooo... It just that *I just finding the perfect reasons to blog with Logan Lerman's gif mwahhaha* I was just gonna list down mine because the idea of listing down what you want in a partner is pretty intriguing I must say.
I mean, I always love listing down what I want and wish to have hahahaha


But obviously, my ideal man is Logan Lerman. Oh lord, if only he really is mine HAHAHAHAHA I wouldn't mind dying early age HAHAHAHAHAHA I mean, he's basically who I always wish to have as a husband.

He's cute, he's hot, he's polite and he gave that vibes of being a gentleman. I mean, he definitely knew how to treat a women since he have sisters and he pretty much in good term with his mom. He's like that prince of my heart HAHAHAHAHA but serious talk though. He have that good guy vibes and just, in short... He's my kind of guy. The kind that I would fall head over heels over. I mean, we both doesn't even know each other personally but damn, gurl... He already own half of my heart. HAHAHAHAHAHA

sheehus.


Okay, let's get back to business. So, if I had to list down the traits that I would wish for my future boyfriend / husband to have.... It would be;


1. Great smile. I don't know I just love it when someone's smile is so lovely that when they smile, you couldn't help but to smile along. It's like, great smile is very attractive, especially when they own that kind of big front teeth like Leroy Sanchez and dun dun dunn.... My LouLerman baby HAHAHAHA

https://media.giphy.com/media/NLMe0wMV2T8vm/giphy.gif

2. SEcondly.... It would be nice if they have that gentleman vibes like, chivalry isn't dead kind of shiz. Like an hopeless romantic of a guy, like bringing me to sweet candle light dinner, just ya know... Being sappy shiz and doing something like cheesy romantic things that people nowadays would think cringey. But honestly, I do like the cheesy things like open a door for a girl, give flowers during date, slow dance and all that shiz you know.... AND also, it would be better if they are balance in also able to do some stupid things like running around while during groceries, gaming night date, movie date, making pancakes, home cooking and shit like that. Ya knowww, like whatever things that the characters do in the stories I wrote HAHAHAHAHA


3. Hmmmm.... Third, they love singing. Like they doesn't have to be good at singing but they just love singing, Like suddenly broke out into a karaoke session in the middle of shopping hahahahaha and randomly serenading when I'm doing the chores or just picking some groceries or clothes. It just cute. I mean, being playful and shiz. And I, definitely will join them singing as well hahahahaha ahhhh, my heart goes doki doki even just thought about that. gosh, I'm probably blushing right now hahahahaha


4. And that bring us to the fourth traits. Which is being playful. Like, they have this kind teasing grins, after saying something offensive but they didn't actually mean it it just they wanna see you like get mad because they think its cute and shiz. Ya know... it just cute for me. Love to tease you but not annoyed you. Suddenly attacking you with random tickles, calling ur name while you look away from them so that they could poke ur face when u turn over to look at them... or just being playful. A teaser. heeee I love that because I'm a teaser myself hehehehe


5. Then, a funny guy. Yeah, that's right. I love to laugh like seriously. I mean, that's like worldwidely know right now that I laugh like a banshee HAHAHAHAHA so, a funny traits is a huge turn on for me. HAHAHAHA love to jokes around and won't take it to the heart when people making fun of him. I mean, when someone doesn't meant it of course. If they mean it, damn. I'd piss too HAHAHAHA


6. Respectful. I love it when a guy know how to be respectful. Like if we are in a disagreement, they would respect my opinion even though they disagree with it and also, being understandable and not going to straight jump into a conclusion when shit happen between us. I like a guy that pretty mature in handling some shit in life too.


7. And a guy who knows what they want is a huge turn on. A guy that would do anything to achieve something that they always wanted. A guy with a life purpose and a guy with a goals. Like logan lerman JAHAHAHAHAHA I probably just describing Logan right now BUT NO. I don't know if he's playful or shiz. I don't even know him personally. HAHAHAH
 

8. Someone supportive and always be there for me when I need them. A clingy but not too clingy guy. hahahaha like they know when to give me space and they would be respectful for that. Someone who is busy living their own life but at the same time able to make me feel wanted all the time. Able to make me feel that they're always there for me and that i'm literally the one for them. hahahaha


9. I'm just gonna make it to 10 traits because I gotta go out soon. ANyway, the ninth trait would be fashionable. Not too fashionable la. Like you know, just know what would look good on them whenever they wear something. hahahaha just someone who knows how to take care of themselves and their hygiene.


10. Last but not the least, someone who just accept me for who I am. I always call myself as Queen because that's me. I'm a queen. I do things that I like... Just when I';m down, I can't do shit HAHHAHAAH and I always get what I want and I never stop trying until I get that thing. HAHAHHA so, my future shuben would definitely need to be the king who could accept this queen-ness inside of me. Someone who could take my manliness side and my girly, annoying side... SOmeone one would think my laughter is cute and not annoying HAHAHAHA and just accept me for who I am. Because I know, I'm hella wayyy far from how normal girls usually act. I'm not even act girly most of the time. HAHAHAHA so, yeah. It is very important for a guy who accept me for me just as I accept him for who he is.

So, that's all I guess. HAHAHAHA
I shall go now because i need to go dinner HAHAHAHAHA

I'll be see you soon.. TTYL!
Stay safe, homie! ♥





♥ Honey, I'm HOME! ♥

Hello again! HAHAHAHA yeah, I've been busy lately and things definitely happen so fast in my life lately and I still feel a little overwhelmed with everything that happen. I mean, I literally just updated like I don't know, last three month ago, wishing that I'm gonna have a boyfriend and guess what? YES! I did AND now I'm back to single HAHAHAHAHA SEE, told ya. Everything definitely happen so fast. AND ALSO, I'm here now at Singapore. I've been here for a week now and I'm still trying to adapt with life here. I mean, this is the first time I'm truly living away from my family and truly living independently. I haven't been in a good health lately and so it's pretty much has been messing with my mental state as well. I had a moment where I just started to question myself about my decision of going here to be honest but yeah, thanks to my one and only bro meow for being there for me and she pretty much giving an indirect slap on my face by reminding me back my reason of going here. I'm just glad that I have her you know. If I talk to the other sisters, they probably just convince me to come home ahahaha anddddd I'm definitely gonna regret it one day because I'm missing the chance of living the life that I've wanted. I mean, the money my parent converted to me will be burnt just like that if I just came home without trying right? And what's the point I talked too much about wanting to do my best to secure me and Shawny's life in the future if I just decided to give up now. I'm not doing it for myself and that, I need to bury deep in my heart. I'm doing this for Shawn and also, to prove that my parents are able to raise a children that are useful. I can't stand them being looked down upon, due to my brother. I just really hope that my brother would realize his wrongdoings towards our parent one  day, ya know. That is all I'm hoping for. I mean, if he doesn't wanna work, its fine. Just please stop hurting both of them, especially mom. Because she's been hurting so much and I wish nothing more than her happiness. I know, that my decision of going to work at Singapore truly hurt her to be honest, but then I know that she let me go because she want what's the best for me. Because I didn't actually tell her why I decided to come over, since I only have a talk with my dad. Because I know dad would understand my decision better since he know how hard it is to gain money nowadays, to have a secure life in the future and shit like that. So i just told him everything and I hope to God he did told mom too. Well, I guess he did because my mom slowly open up to the idea of me going here. I mean, I'm happy that she did. Though I'm pretty much still feeling a little guilty about hurting her in the process. But I guess, that just the price that I need to pay, right?And now, all I need to do is to prove to both of them that they waste no shit about sending me here. I'm gonna prove to them that I am able to life independently and that I am able to be the head of the family. I am the next head of the clan HAHAHAHAHAHA sheeesh.

So.... About my breakup.. HAHAHAHAHAHA i feel so unreal. I mean, honestly. It's all sunshine and rainbow for about a month and then I started to feel something isn't right about the relationship and so I didn't actually put too much expectation into it. AND also... I noticed that sis Jaba didn't really excited about it too.... I shouldn't have ignoring all these sign to be honest HAHAHAHAHA AND well, the thing is that. The guy, since the first date we had together, he's been telling me about his exes and his past life. SO its making me feel like he still living in his past and ME, I'm living in my future. I mean, I look forward to my future and enjoying the present type of person. So there, is the huge difference that we had. AND also, after sometimes, when he started to get distance with me. He make me question myself. What did I do wrong? Am I not a good girlfriend and shit like that. And that's when I knew that he wasn't the one for me. I mean, you know that I don't actually like it when someone just making me question my worth because I know my worth. I hate it when someone confuse me. AND like... we are so incompatible with each other and I'm pretty much pissed at that one time, it was my Bestie Val's birthday and he expect me to bail from that party and spend time with him and our colleagues just for steamboat? bitch please. He even ask me, You would choose ur bestie or me and I shit you not. I don't even think twice. I say I choose my bestie because I knew her wayyyyyy longer than you. AND how dare he making me choose. Did he think that I'm like other girls, and just left my bestie because i'm oh so in love with him? bitch pls. Valerie is like a family to me. I choose her over any other boy tbh. Not only her, same goes to sis Jaba and now Nisa. They hold a special place in my heart now. HAHAHAHA so to my future shuben, u better be ready to be put second after these girls. HAHAHAHAHA he doesn't know that Val been through hell and back with me and no matter how shitty I am with communication, she always be there for me. like hell, I would choose him over her. *eye rolls*

Like, if he didn't ask to break it up with me, I would break up with him too eventually. I mean, coincidentally, the day when he ask to break up, few hours before that, I actually already decided that I deserve better. So, sooner or later, I would actually break it up with him. HAHAHAHAHA so when he told me that he wanna break up because he feel like we can only be friend with each other and that he still can't move on with his ex girlfriend and shit like that, instead of feeling sad, I'm actually relieves. I feel like all my burden is lifted. I'm like I KNEW IT. So I told him like, I knew from the second date. I saw it in your eyes and shit HAHAHAHAHA jfc.  I'm so good with words HAHAHAHA and then he said to me like, pls don't block my number and I hope that you can find someone better and shit like that. You are too good for me. You know, the usual jazz. And i'm like yeah, I wont block your number because I actually like being friend with you and I told him like, Yeah, I know. You don't have to worry about me because I know God will send me someone better. So chill~ hahahaha xD I mean, yeah.... Maybe I am too good for him. Or too strong for him to handle. I need a king who can handle my queen-ness, not a peasant who expect me to throw my throne away and bow to them. Bitch please. I'm not that desperate of having a boyfriend. AND I literally just cry for one day. Well, not really one day. Half day I guess. HAHAHAHAHA and i was trying my best not to cry in office and then I heard him laughing with the other colleagues like he doesn't care and I feel like okay bitch. This is war. With the support of my one and only bro for life, sis Jaba I'm able to move on with a snap of my fingers and the next day I come to work, I even smile at him like nothing happen. I even say good morning to everyone including him. and shit, man. That just rub it to his face. His face fell down and the whole day, he avoid me. I just smirks at him. HAHAHAHAHAHA I never feel so powerful over someone. I mean, bitch. Like hell I would let you make me feel like shit. You mean shit to me, my man. And I even talk animatedly with everyone like nothing happen.

And remember when I said, that he ask me not to block him everywhere and I didn't. BUT now, he's the one who play victim. He's acting like I'm the one who ask for break up and that he's the victim like bitch. HAHAHAHA oh well, that kind of story sound better though. I mean, I ask to break up HAHAHAHA xD But I regret not a single moment with him though. I gotta say, when we were still together, he's actually a very nice guy. He care about his family. It just that he doesn't know how to handle life. He has a dream but he was way too scared to get out from his comfort zone. I remember that I told him like, if we're meant to be, we will meet again. So it's okay. I did thank him for everything. I mean, I did have my sweet moment with him and I'm glad that it wasn't that much but every little things did means something. So I will just cherish that. I did say that I won't consider him as my first boyfriend but I guess, for the first few month we were still together, he did his job as a boyfriend. So maybe I'll just put him as my first boyfriend. HAHAHAHA yeah, I guess I am too good for him HAHAHAHA I mean, both Nisa and sis Jaba told me that I am wayyy too good for him. Though I'm pretty much unsure about that hahahaha. It was truly an experience though.

So..... Currently I'm still trying my best to pull my shit together. I have found a few place to work honestly and now I just need to uhhh, send out my resumes or just walk in. I did send out a few and I wanna go through some of the places again like which one I should just send my resume to and which one I should just go for walk-ins. I need to plan it out nicely then at least, I would able to know which one is which hahahaha I also need to see the place, so it won't be to far for me. But so far, outlets are everywhere so it pretty easy for me to be honest. And I was just started questioning myself again today. And coincidentally, Nisa was talking about going walk-in interview with one company in our group and then I'm like if she can, I can do it too. So I told her that and she said, 'You're making me as your inspiration and now I feel like crying.' and im like sheeshusss HAHAHAHAHA you can't cry, only me can. HAHAHAHAHA xD AND she's very sensitive with my being too. Like if she sense something ain't right with me, she would directly contact me asking if I'm okay or not. Well, I am honestly blessed to have her actually hahahaha. I mean, having someone to care about you is such a rare things to have these days. I mean, other than sis Jaba, it's nice to have someone else to care ya know. I don't want to keep burden sis Jaba solely. HAHAHAHA I am a burden enough for her and plus her own shit too. HAHAHAHA i can't risk that.  I sometimes scared that I drained too much of her mental energy by telling her shit that I'm dealing with. I mean, yeah, she doesn't really mind about that but I do mind. HAHAHAHAHA I just... ya know. I don't wanna burden everyone if I could but the more I don't wanna do it, the more I kinda burden everyone HAHAHAHA.
SIGHS.
Oh well.

Welp, I guess that's all for now. I shall be back again soon. I don't know when I promise I will update again when I got interviews and shit hahahaha Wish me luck in everything though. I shall start my hunting this week and I will do my very best. YOU CAN DO IT PGIE-CHAN!

Bye bye for now!
and Stay Bless! ♥♥


♥ Welcome 2018! ♥ [ Part One ]

Helloo 2018! hahaha yeah, I've been MIA since April last year. Wow! There's so many things happen though. We're so going to have a long entry today hahahaha Still, that's depends on my focus level because well, we all know how quick I am getting distracted by something else lol (≧∇≦) And soo, before I get into it, I wanna start this post with a short wishes that I have for this new year of 2018. This year, I believe that it's gonna be my year of spreading my wings and the year where I'm going to bloom like a fresh flower in the field of greens. YER. Because why? Because this year is the Year of the Dog and it's the year where I'm born. So this will be my year! I won't wish that life will get easier for me but I wish for physical and mental strength so I can overcome whatever shit that will coming in my way. I wish for prolong health for both of my parents and endless joy and blessing for the rest of my family. I wish repentance for my brother and hoping that he'll find his way back to the right path. I wish nothing but the most best things for my dearest little Shawny and hope that this year will be the year where he will be able to study and learn a lot to become a better person and show potential that he too, can learn as well as the other kids. As for my friends, I also hope that this year will bring them lots of happiness and that they will too, find courage to be able to do whatever things they wanna do. For my bro (the one and only bro meow (≧∇≦) ) I wish you everything that I've wished for others because you deserve all of it and more. And as for my love life, I hope that this year I would find someone lol xD Well, not that I reeeaaalllly want to have a boyfriend. I want, but not really (not particularly need one so...) HAHAHAHA I'm just saying that I'm ready for a new set of love since I already blessed with the love of family and the love of friendships, which is truly wonderful, to be honest. And well,... I do have a candidate but I'm just not sure that he could be the one for me because well, I never been in love before so I'm putting my trust in God because I believe He'll find a great guy for me as well as for my families. So, that's my wishes for this year of dog. hahahaha Okay, so. Let's get started!

And so, I gotta say that 2017 was the year where the happiest and the saddest things has happened to me. Sounds like the cliche quote from Pinterest, right? HAHAHAHA I KNOW! but then it's true though. There's so many things happen in 2017 and it's completely overwhelming. I still feel surreal about some things that has happen. I'm still questioning myself every now and then, was it real? did I really went through that event? hahaha yeah, but bad or good, it all true and I've went through it all. Oh by the way, my birthday is four days away lol xD

Okay, first event after April 2017 lol. Around May... If I'm not mistaken... I went to Hakken's birthday party and the huge coincidence was, during the time, I was super addicted to this game call Mystic Messenger and guess what the theme was? YESSS!!! MYSTIC MESSENGER And HE or SHE * yeah, Hakken chama is a shee U.U * but it's okay tho HAHAHAHAHAHA AND AND Hakken chama is Jumin HAn!!!!!! He look super wowsome and I remember how nervous I was when I ask for a picture with him like Kyaaaaaaahhhhh ♥♥♥♥ HAHAHAHAHA and because my hands were super shaky that time, he hold the phone for me, I feel like my heart almost explodes LOL HAHAHAHAHA and the funny thing about the party celebration is like for the whole time of the party, Hakken-chama and the rest of the cosplays were like mostly talking to me and sis Jaba though we're pretty sure that we were the loudest and the most annoying guest that coming into the party. Well, sis Jaba not so much since she has limited life battery that time. It was me. It was  all me who were hyperactive and shit HAHAHAHAHA but meh, whatever! I had my fun HAHAHAHAHA but seriously, it was so beyond my imagination that I meet him right after I posted on this blog about how much I wish he's my boyfriend and that I would meet him in real life like klsjafkweshfkjwehfwe and by now and then, whenever I left a comment on him videos or pictures, he always reacted to it. I wonder if he still remember me. HAHAHAHA I hope so. I wish to meet him again in the future hehehe (ؑ⸍⸍ᵕؑ̇⸍⸍)◞✧ But during the party, I like Zen coser the most LOL xD

Okay, Moving on ⸂⸂⸜(രᴗര๑)⸝⸃⸃

So, remember the trip to Penang I was talking about last year? Yeah, we went through it HAHAHAHAHA and it was definitely one of the best trip I ever went to and everything just wowsome! xD It was our first trip together without other people so it's pretty exciting though. And we went to lots of places and the foods are amazing. I don't exactly remember where we went, other than Bukit Bintang, the museums and some other places lol but the feelings were amazing! I remember the time we went cycling around Penang, hunting for the street arts. It was super fun. Very tiring but it was very fun. Then, we kinda make this birthday surprise for my bitch, Kenny hahahaha and I almost blew it ෆු(*˃ர்˂*)ෆු because well, I tend to talk first then think HAHAHAHAHAHAHA but thank goodness, that time Kenny was too tired to care about whatever shit I was saying lol xD But overall, it work out and he definitely surprised hahahahaha it was last minute ideas though because the two girls doesn't actually know that he was coming to join us, except for me because he told me beforehand hahahahaha It was fun and tiring but exciting. I wanna go to another trip with them again because well, they're just the type of people that just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens lol xD So, I kinda like that ya know hehehe because I'm the type that doesn't wanna think about stuff, so they kinda do all the thinking and planning and I'm just going with it lol xD Also, I'm super glad that I went with them and I thanked them for their patience towards my mood swings and bitch face when I'm super tired. (༶ૢ˃̵̑◡˂̵̑༶ૢ)

And then, July...... There's not much things happen in July except for sis Jaba and sis Inut Birthday... OH WAIT! During June. I have received another SON. So here, I welcomed CELESTINE MEROME CLEMENT to the family <3 a super cute and strong little baby and I wish him to continue to grow healthy and adorable and sweet and with cuteness overload! ૮(ᶿ̴͈᷇ॢ௰ᶿ̴͈᷆ॢ)ა✧

Okay, now. Next.

July, nothing really happen. August. Well... By the end of August, I received a very shocking news about my mom. She was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer Stage Two. When I found out about it I was literally shut down. I just stared at mom like I have no feeling at all but well, we all know how much it took me that time. I didn't know how to react at all. I have feelings that mom definitely thought that I wasn't concern about it or whatever. But thank goodness that I have my friends to support me and I talk to them and they reassures me about everything, especially Kenny who were like introducing me to many of his relative who sells supplements specialize for cancer patience. Thanks to Hui Hui as well for helping me with booking the flight tickets and all when none of the people who is family by blood with me wanting to help us out. I was so pissed as well as disappointed that time. They just doesn't even bother to help even for a sec. And during my mom treatment at Kuching, it was all thanks to sis Bien for accompanying mom over there. I am truly grateful for her. That was the time I knew who I should keep in my life and who I should get rid off. Not getting rid of them forever, no. But I won't even bother to give my everything to help them anymore. It's more like my problem, my problems. Yours, yours. I don't wanna be involves.

And September.
I'm still saddened by the fact that my mom was diagnosed with cancer and that she has to go through around 20 times chemotheraphy and 5 times radiotheraphy for the whole month but then, I got my blessing in disguise with me because Hui-hui got us a ticket to Seventeen Concert! hahahaha xD

Well, it was something that I've been wanting to do. Attending concert and I really thanking her for making the dream coming true hahahaha xD another goals to be scratch off the list woooh! Though I'm definitely feeling a little guilty for going for the concert when my mom were battling to survive her treatments, but I'm glad I took the opportunity because it definitely give a new set of vibes and strength after I went back. Back from the concert, I realized that I had to keep looking strong for my parents sake though having to put up a strong face everyday isn't easy but then, the concert really was the kind of break that I needed to be strong. I know that I'm still is a burden for both of my parents but then, I am the pillar of their strength. I knew they look up to me so much about taking care of everything if things went wrong but I didn't want them to believe the negative side of things so I keep telling my mom that it's gonna be okay, things will be alright. The treatment will definitely work out and you will be healthy again. Though, deep down. I'm scared. I'm so scared of the possibility of things to go wrong and that I could lost her. Of all things or people, the one person that I can't lose is mom. But I'm glad that my hopeful heart, and abundant wishes that I've made paid the price. She went through the treatment like a warrior she is. Now, she's pretty much become healthy again, like she used to be. Not exactly like before but definitely better. So, for all the time that I kinda lose my faith, I started to believe in Him again and because He is real and He is always good. Though, till this day, I still hoping it was me instead of mom. I mean, I lives my life doing shit I've been wanting to do and I'm pretty much satisfied with many things in my life. So, I don't really mind of getting diagnosed with cancer or die. hahahaha xD but real talk though, I am satisfied with my life so far and I really don't mind dying :)

Well, I still have half of 2017 to write about but damn, my emotion suddenly went down to the ground. HAHAHAHA Yeah, I've been pretty emotional this few days since, by the end of the December. Maybe because the time is near and I'm not sure if i'm making the right decisions. So I'm gonna leave this post until here for now. I shall come back again, hopefully tomorrow hahahaha ;)


So, I'll be seeing you again.
Bye and stay safe! ♥

Here's my new selfie. Lol xD












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