this doesn't need a title.

Well, hello there. 

I just got back from sis Jaba's house. Back to this 'empty' house again like I don't know. hahahaha I don't really know what I should call it because I feel so empty and lonely and invisible at the same time. At the very moment I step onto the house, I was just gotten a very brief glanced from my parent and they just ignore me. Well, they didn't call me or anything about if I'm going home or not. But I was hoping too, ya know. hahahaha yeah, I'm just pathetic. I know. 

I should be telling about my awesome weekend that I spend with sis Jaba and sis Inut but I just can't stop crying right now because I feel so sad.

I should feel home when I get back here but I feel even better when I wasn't. I know, I know I shouldn't feel this way but I just can't help it ya know. I hate feeling like this too but it just... I don't know anymore. Maybe this is one of the reasons kids or teens always decided to run away from home or something. Because of this feeling I'm feeling right now. 

Why can't my happiness stay longer? It's never really stay long. Everytime, right after I had my best moment, there'll always some shit happen. It jsut making me questioning everything. Like, does it mean that I don't really deserve to be happy at all?Why is things always fucked up so much? Why must I feel this way? What have I done wrong? is being happy wrong?

I'm so so so stressed and I really need a hug right now hahahaha but I can't. None of person in this house seems to care or even noticed or even need me here.They only saw me when they need me like literally. Why am I even here? What's the point of me even being here?

I hate this feeling

I really really hate this feeling

I feel so alone in my own house.

And I can't even stop crying, my gosh. hahahaha XD 

ugh. I wish weekend can be longer, but then. I might only menyusahkan sis Jaba and her family for staying longer. gosh, I'm such a thick-face hahaha

Well, maybe I do deserve to be treated like this. I don't know anymore. I just wish that I have another place to go. I hated this place. like really do hate this place.

because it's making me feel so lonely. 

ignored. 

Well, maybe it just me. 

20 Days before Christmas

Well, hello. It's been ages I didn't update this blog hahaha yeah, well I was thinking to update it last few days ago but I'm too lazy and I kinda have a bit of fight with my brain and stuff happens. Yeah, well sometimes things happen because of my excessiveness hatred and irritation towards people of this house youknowwho hahahaha anyway, I've been drawing lately. I'm not very sure what I'm drawing honestly but for sure, the main idea were the Raira Trio but now, turns out to be more likely a random character from shoujo manga so I don't know hahahaha but it turn out pretty good to me though yeah, kinda love it. I just having a bit difficulties with the attire even though it wasn't full-body drawing becauseihaventmasteredthatyet hahahaha so, yeah. It's work-in-progress to be exact.

I miss putting my face on this blog hahhaha it feels like ages XD
And right now, I'm listening to some Escape the Fate random song because yeah, I'm not sure what else to listen to anymore hahahaha I lost my interest in almost everything. Maybe the emo phase is coming again hahahaha XD BUT I want to defeat it by writing something today. Yeah, and yeah, I kinda thinking of continuing my current story hahaha well, more like fanfic. yeah, fanfic that is well whatever it call. hahahaha since I'm like the vice president of Dabai Production, let just call it as a movie hahaha well, a bit of AU! kind of movie. *sighs* let just stick with FanFic hahahaha because it somewhat OTP fanfic pfft XD okay, here's some of the preview;

Pgie was standing in front of the wooden door with plank that written ‘Domini. C’ glued on it. Staring at the name plank she recalled back the early event that just happened;

“So what kind of adventure are you talking about?” asked Pgie as they both sat at the opposite seats of one another.  

Jaba grins mischievously at her as she leaned towards, “I heard something about vampire attack happens at Philadelphia.”she whispered.

             “What?!”

“Shhh…..” Jaba shushed her sister, “Not so loud! This is library”

“Sorry.” Pgie sighs, “…But, how did you find out about that?”

The slayer cleared her throat, “Bruno and I were surfing the web at the library this morning before exam started,”

“And you’re sure it was some vampy attacks?”

“Of course!” Jaba cried out loud before back to whispering to her sister, “I mean, it was all stated there that the corpse founded were dried up,” she paused, “I mean, what else could it be?”

Pgie twisted her lips as she thought and then said, “Well, I guess you’re right,” 

“I know.” Jaba grins, “So, since you’re gonna be exempted fro-“

“About that,” Pgie cuts in. The raven squints her eyes, “Spill…”

“Um… Well, I kinda rejects Domini’s offer,”

“So? Try to ask him if the offer still open.”

“It’s not that easy… We kinda have this small arguments about that too…”

Jaba sighs and started to massage her forehead. She couldn’t help but to think that maybe every Levedad has the stubbornness traits. “Well, it won’t hurt to try asking him again, right? I mean, he’s the angel of love anyway,”

Pgie sighs,

Taking a deep breathe, she slowly brought her fist to gently knocked on the door.

“Come in,”

I kinda like this part so... hahahaha XD well, this story is more focused on Jaba and Pgie to be exact. I'm thinking of writing it like one chapter, one character POV. example is like, if chapter one is Pgie's POV, then chapter two will be Jaba's. hahahaha yeah but in this story, I'm extracting the voice in Jaba;s head well, I'll explain that more thoroughly in the story. Don't worry, I have everything in plan hahahaha XD 

Actually I have another Levedad fanfic to write at the same time. It's uh, their Christmas adventure where they kinda break the rules again. yes, again... to save Christmas. hahahaha yeah, the plot is cliche but I kinda love it because I was thinking to change their partners. Like, ya know that Jaba and Pgie is team and Kevin and Moon is one team. So, in this one, it will be Jaba and Moon, Pgie and Kevin. With.... the three Giodani brothers' of course. and uh, they're like gonna celebrating Christmas at Laurencia for the first time because they're not allowed to go back to celebrate it with their families. So things happen and they teamed up to go and save Christmas XD

I should work on that hahahaha because I was thinking to finish it before of on Christmas day hahahaha XD yeah, it's Christmas present for myself hahahah XD and and I'm thinking of maybe make it as short as possible, maybe around 10-15 chapter long and for the other one, I'm targetting for 20-30 chapters XD

Uh, honestly I forgot what I wanna say other than this hahahaha well, I'll back again soon. Ciao XD

God is Love.

Hello again. I'm officially in love with Jack Mitchell, the main character of Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Look at his precious face, how could you not in love with his face? hahahaha I mean, those two front teeth is just freaking adorable and his blue eyes, my god. hahahahaha XD well, I haven't been playing the game since last time because my bro kinda play it for now so I have to wait for him to return it to me (in which I have to ask for it, of course)
and oh, ya know... Things has been pretty great for me start from Friday night, which I had blast with my uchihas and I kinda talked with my senpai again. Then, on the next day I have my graduation's day and at night I went to attend this special celebration of my church and then yesterday, my family receive new family member and then I kinda have my moment with my precious princess. I'll talk about it more down below hahahaha :) Okay.

First things first. I proudly said that I'm officially graduated. YAY! hahaha I actually never thought that I will graduated with merits. I always thought that I didn't do my best which is I am hahaha but I kinda proud of myself, even though things were pretty tough in the years I've been doing my diploma, all the depression, the self-depreciation moments and endless shit that beating me down to the core, I still made it to graduate with merits and honestly, I won't be able to do it if it not because of my one and only dude, sis Jaba. I'm glad that she's always be there when things get rough for me and stay no matter how much it could hurt her. Ya know, when people get depressed they sometimes drag people down with them and shoo them away. hahahaha but yeah, she's stayed with me though. Without her cheesy line, her advices and her supports, I won't be able to grads with merits or maybe wouldn't able to graduate at all. So, yeah. Mostly, I really thanked her for everything. Even on the night before the graduation day, she gave me advice when I told her that I'm really nervous and a bit uncertain whether I should go or not but she convinced me. So, I'm very grateful for her. Then, secondly... I really thanked my sis Jon and Lalan for make time for me and be there to attend this important ceremony with me when my mom doesn't really wish to go, which is quite disappointing actually because everyone's parent came for them and there's my mom, saying no. Even then, it was Mak Ulit who forced her to come for a picture session. hahaha but yeah, I guess I shouldn't be thinking too much in this because eventhough this isn't that important for her but she has given me supports and feed me and make sure my basic needs are all fulfilled. And as for dad, if he's here, I'm sure he'll be the one who say yes to go hahahaha and I'm thankful for both of them somehow because they have supports my education and gives me all the needs and love even though they rarely show it to me, I know they love me. I mean, who doesn't love me? hahahaha Oh and back to sis Jon and Lalan, I am very grateful for them to be there with me and I really love the flowers they gave me. And as for my classmates, I had fun, like lots of fun that they have helped me a lot in the past two years. They never say no whenever I need a help from them. I know that I'm cold and somewhat look arrogant but they came to understand that it just how I normally look like and they accept me for who I am. I've learnt a lot from them and I've met a bunch of awesome people. I really love these guys hahaha :)
And last but not least, of course. I thanked my bestie, Valerie Stevenson hahahaha because on the night before graduation, she posted something on instagram. Like giving me supports and in which make me almost cry because I thought she forgotten about it but no, she didn't. She's like the bestest friend that I ever make in my entire 20th years of living. I'm forever glad that she choose a crap like me as her bestie. she's definitely one of a kind. hahaha :)
And, not to forget... I want to thank the Lord for giving me this huge blessing. After having a huge downfall, he gave me His powerful blessing and make me realized that I'm actually surrounded by people who loves and accepts me for who I am. I must say that God is real, God is always there and listen to you if you prayed and believe in Him from the bottom of your heart.

The next things is that, I would like to welcome the new baby into the family, Chloe Audrey Ronald. She's really cute~! Look at that face my god! ahahahaha She was born yesterday and I'm very happy to have her in the family. Another princess to deal with honestly and which means, more barbiee *cries* hahaha anyway, her birth was really are a huge blessing for the family and hope that she'll grow with all the loves and in perfect health.

I think I should go now. My brain is tired. I'll continue again later wahahahaha XD

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

Anxious

It's very hard to deal with someone that doesnmt understand how hard it is to have this low confidence traits like; ya know when you said you don't wanna do something, they eventually would give you the look that saying you just lazy and when they kinda force you to talk to the salesman but you kinda have this problem of talking with people, and when you said no they would just be like snapped at you or sulking. It just make you feel guilty and so you gotta forced yourself to talk with the salesman with all the sweaty palm and nausea feeling and pray that you wouldn't make fun of yourself and try not to stutter like badshit. It's not that easy to talk to people and i wish they could just understand that.

When i said i don't wanna go anywhere means i don't wanna go anywhere and that doesn't mean i'm being lazy. I will go if i'm comfortable with the place like my college. No matter what time they ask me to go, i go right? Because i'm comfortable. And to the mall, like hell i would go to the mall all by myself u less i had something important to buy. Even that, sometimes i changed my mind to buy something i like because i had no one to go with. It's this feeling, it's very very difficult to live like this but they don't understand. They never try to understand

Even if i told them, they'll just said that i'm making an excuses or i just being rude to them and that i don't want to be with them and shit like that. I find that speaking is very hard to do. I rather be in my room, locked myself up and be in my comfort zone. I don't care about what people think but that just what I want.

I know i must work this out and i'm aware that i'll have to speak with people sometimes in the future and yes i'm trying my best to make it work but I need time. I can't do it all the sudden. I have my paced and always being forced like this and getting the blame because i said no... I can't. It just stressing me out. 

I can't breathe properly right now and uh, my hands and feet are sweating even just thinking of it. I wish mom would understand how bad my anxiety is. Well, not as bad as until i feel like fainting but yeah. I gotta keep it cool though. *sighs* what a life.

I don't know what to put here.

Hello again.
I'm currently writing one of my story but I got distracted because all sort of stuff, especially things that going through my head right now. I'm not really in stable mind right now but I'm trying my best to stabilising it hahaha. I sounds like a mechanic wanting to stabilise some machine or something. Anyway, I've just having my breakdown moment again today where I curled in the shower and cry my heart out. I still want to cry right now but I kinda forced myself to stop crying because, well... One, there's no point of crying. Two, crying won't solve anything and three, I don't feel any better even after one and half hour crying just now. I'm just feeling more.... I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't know anything anymore. hahaha

I'm feeling numb you see. I can't even move my facial right now and only my mind that's doing the talking and laughing hahaha you get me? *sighs* hm.... Well, I just had my moment for crying and all actually. I was just feeling so lonely. Very very lonely and sad. I know that I have mom here with me but it doesn't make me feel less lonely. This loneliness feeling just scratching me from the inside like I'm very very alone. I don't even know. hahaha

and yeah, well. I've been texting with sis Jon too just now, telling her about what IBS admin had told me at the briefing this morning about the graduation's day. Well, regarding them, who went with the graduates of course but well, she just reply me as if forced too and then she even ask me like, how long will the graduation be? in way that she wasn't really interested to go. I mean, well. If she doesn't want to go, its fine actually. I can't force her to come if she doesn't want to go. Now I feel like I'm forcing her to go and all. I don't know. Well, I guess it's really is my fault for ya know. Forcing everyone to do as I wish. heh.

*sighs*
I really really want to cry hahaha and I really need a shoulder to cry one and a hug right now but well, it just some wishful thinking hahaha. *sighs* Sometimes, I wish I could enter my own story where I can have this friend who always there and then is like I don't know. Just do whatever were written in the story I'm writing hahaha XD but yeah, reality hurts. I.... Honestly don't know if I really have a friend. I mean, everyone that I called as friend is more like acquaintance or they just leave or just stay away from me. I mean, as far as I'm concerned. Friends stay with each other, despite of what happen but yeah. hahaha

And yeah. About writings though. I always feel that maybe I should stop telling people that I'm actually writing stuff because well. I know that I'm not good or there are possibility that I won't able to finish the story and all but when I told them to read, I'm actually just wanting an opinion from them whether the story is good or not or do I need to do something about it so I can make it better. But yeah. *sighs* maybe it just because I'm writing something boring hahaha and all I ever do is like being a copycat; either stealing their characters, the names or the story plot.

And so, I think I should go now. I mean. Yeah. I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe I should just try to sleep? I don't feel like sleeping yet but yeah, I'm so tired. Maybe I'll just continue writing. Maybe. hahaha I hope, I can stop complaining about how bad my life is because there's people who have way badder life than I am. I'm creating something that isn't there I know. Like I said, I brought all this upon myself and this is seriously my fault.

So, byebye. and see ya again since I'm still coward to kill myself and maybe a masochist for staying hahaha

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

MENTAL BREAKDOWN.

More Rants. It seems like what I do mostly. hahaha

Well, hello there. hehehe :)
I've just had the moment of myself where I've been thinking that well, still thinking that I'm sort of a burden to my parents. You see, in the past few years what I've been doing is just failing, rebellious, being stupid, blaming them because I can't do what I wish to do. When then now I realized that I shouldn't have thought of that. I have no place to complain about everything they're deciding for me. It's has been kind enough for them to adopt me at first place. I mean, they had give me shelters, food, clothing and things I want like gadgets, games, money and all sort of things. Sometimes, I didn't even ask for it, they still giving me like the car. And I feel so soo bad you know.

I really wish that they hadn't took me at first place. I'm no use to them, all I ever did is breaking their heart, yelling at them or just I don't know, get mad because I don't wanna be at fault even when it was my fault. I've been spending their money and what have I done to them in return? burdening them more. I even hated my dad. Can you believe it? I'm a joke. Keep telling people that hating is bad when I'm actually hating the one that giving me shelters and shit. I feel like a parasite to this family you see. Like, what if they never took me? What if I wasn't be here? I think things would be different and maybe it would be much easier for them though. Like, even if my brother did fucked up like this, they could only think to settle his problems and they doesn't have to think about my education and even spending money for two person.

If only I never brought to this world, things would be better and things would seriously be way different than now. Like for sis Jaba, she wouldn't have to think about taking care of my feelings at all or feel guilty when I feel down because she think she can't make me feel okay. Or having to think that I'm gonna leave her or anything like that. It would be soo much better for everyone if I wasn't here at first place. But it was too late for all that since it's my 20th years of living. I'm sorry for having long life hahaha

I've been holding on for so long now and yes, I've been trying my very best to stay strong, or more likely to pretending to be strong because I'm actually standing at the edge of the cliff and with one pushed, I'll fell into the crashing waves. wow, that's kinda dramatic way to say it hahaha but yeah. *sighs* I know that all this is just things that my mind try to trick me and it will eventually goes away but what's the point if it keeps coming back and haunting me?

I can't stop myself from hating myself, hating what I've been done in the past in which I'm scared I'll be repeating the same shit all over again in the future. I'm afraid that I'll hurt more people than I did. Even now, I feel like I've been pushing too many people away but then, I feel so alone. I want them to stay but I can't afford to hurt them anymore. I'm really good at hurting people though so.... *sighs* I've hurt people way too much because of things I've been hiding and things I can't say to them, things that they wouldn't even understand if I told them. They'll think I'm making things up eventually. I just wish I have lots of courage to end myself so I could end this suffering you know. I'm so tired of keep holding on something that I wasn't sure if it strong enough to keep me hanging.

I just want to push everyone's away you know but I'm scared of being lonely. Well, honestly I was expecting someone to chase me when I pushed them away but meh. I'm actually the one who chased them back after pushing them away because that's how pathetic and desperate I am for someone to stay with me. By doing those things, it doesn't make me feel any better you know. It's like I'm forcing them to stay with me. I'm not even sure if they want to stay or maybe its way better for them to leave me completely.

I've been telling people that they should try to learn how to swim for themselves everytime they drown because somebody would not always able to be by their side when things get rough. Well, I guess I should be taking that advice to myself because I've been drowning for so long. Well, not that long but yeah, I'm drowning pretty hard lately and I've try to swim towards the shore but I kinda hold myself back because I was expecting to see someone to wait for me on the other side but there wasn't anyone. Well, there are but they kinda blurry because of the waves and I'm not sure if they were calling out for me too keep on swimming towards the shore or they were just standing there and watched me and let me decided it for myself whether to keep swimming or just stay drown and wait for the huge waves to crash on me.

My chest felt so heavy right now and I wish it was because of my boobs getting bigger but unfortunately, it was just the unexplainable feelings I've been having. I feel like I'm the biggest hypocrites in the whole wide world. Well, not really. Just among my family and relatives. I don't really show them what I really feel or say what I wish to say to them. And at times, even though I feel like I'm just a burden to this family of mine, I really wish that they would noticed that I need their supports and them to ask me if I'm okay or not. Making a small conversation, a normal conversation other than asking how my grades is, what I want, or gossipping. Just a normal family conversation, you know and yeah, I've been so jealous of what Lalan's has between her dad and her because she seems to can speak up her mind and can actually have a real conversation with her dad and all. And also, I'm very envy with sis Jaba's family too because eventually, her parents seems to try their best to reach for her and understand that she's a very indoor type. and plus, she have a very understanding sister to be with and support her whenever everyone is against her or anything like that.

And then, there's me. Having a brother that can't even take care of himself but in some ways, he's a very good brother. If only he was being as normal as other brother could be. I could have a best friend and a brother who I can trust and protect me. If only he wasn't getting involves with that shit, maybe we could teamed up in COD multiplayer and beat the shit of others and maybe could be having a death match together, you know. but its all just the false hope I've been wishing and which I knew would never happen. It was too perfect to be real. hahaha oh well.

It's 3:16 and I think I should be getting some sleep now because I could sense that my mom is waking up and peeing any time soon so, I can't afford to be seen like this hahaha yeah, I'm tearing up right now. *sighs* hopefully things will get better sooner or later.
Hopefully.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.