This Life Have No Mercy On Me. (February + March)

Oh hey.

Its been a while I didn't update here. Last I'm updating this blog is like last month hahaha well, it's not that I'm lazy... Well, that too but actually I've been wanting to update it just that I don't feel fair for you know... Updating this blog with all the terrible and sad things. How I miss to update this blog with happy things hahaha but yeah, my life. What to do? I can't change it, I just can try to learn how to live in it and endure it. I have not much choice around here. Hahaha and even i feel like the light of my future is dimmer nowadays hahahaha i feel like a failure. Last few weeks ago, I kinda saw our last semester's results and i kinda get something like E and D grade and then when I saw almost all of my classmates get A and the lowest is B grade i feel... You know.. Bad and kinda disappointed at myself because I know I can do better than getting an E or a D for a grades but I can't because this depression is getting on my head. I just... Well, i can't concentrate you know, without cutting myself to bleed. It's like I'm pretty much easy to get distracted by the negative thought in my head and i get tired and itritated very easy in this past few weeks but I have to pretend that i'm not irritated or uhhh feel like being stabbed with words hahaha yeah, i know they didn't mean it or even purposely saying such words but man, its hurt me like being being stabbed million knifes. Hahahaha yeah. I'm very self-conscious in this few weeks but it's not really the problem that trigger me to cut again. Oh yes, i've stopped uh i don't know if stop is the right word. I think it's much more suitable to call it as uh.... Um... Pause? HAHAHA okay, uhh just assumed it as pause hahahaha since i don't feel like stopping from cutting though because its really helping you see. I just *sighs* i know its wrong and i know I shouldn't do it but even though it is wrong, It feel so right. And yeah, honestly, I cut deeper nowadays and no, i'm not proud of it. I'm embarrased and very disappointed at myself. I feel like i'm giving up to temptation hahaha wow, i feel like making this up. But no man. I'm not. In fact, I've just cutted this morning because yeah, i'm angry. Hahaha *sighs*

Pretty bad huh? I know.....but it really work you know just the consequences is that i have to sit in the bathroom for few minutes to stop the bleeding hahaha but yeah. It sting under the sleeves because of the friction pfft i dont know what i'm talking about hahaha oh, i went too far off the from the thing i wanted to say hehehehe sorry~ sorry~ XD

So, what's trigger me back? Hm... Should I tell? Well maybe. I need to let it out of my head anyway. Hahaha if not, i'll end up hating my dad even more hahaha i know i shouldn't be saying that I hate him oh scratch that. I dislike him not hating, i think hahaha anyway. You see, last week if i'm not mistaken. We were having this usual family gathering and plus uncle den and his wife came over lah. The thing is that, my brother's friend come over but my dad recklessly kick them out in front of them and my brother is losing his shit that they're like yelling at each other and my brother suddenly become so mad and he kicks my mom's sewing machine you know and he yelled at mom saying bad stuff and angry at her because of dad's action. I'm trembling shit you know but i don't get mad at my brother that time, i'm mad at my dad. I mean, come on. How stupid can he be? why must he kick my brother's friends out when there's other people outside. I mean, why didn't he do it other time when people's not around? It fucking wmbarrassing okay? What he want to prove in front of our other family? He want to show how majestic he is? No it just stupid. PLAIN FUCKING STUPID. I mean ugh. He should be shameful about it. I mean, people watching okay? And do he want peope to know that our family is fucked up? Maybe that what he want. He want people to know that our family is breaking and my brother is a shit and a drug addict. Maybe that what he want. and what i hate the most when he did that is he hurt mom. My brother end up yelling at mom because of him and making mom cries and embarrased her in front of her siblings. I'm so fucking mad okay? It just ughhh. And you know, I called him idiot in front of mom and well, its just slipped of my tongue hahaha but honestly. It just stupid. I can't. It make me hate him more. He hurt mom. I don't like it. He making things worst in this house. It already hell in here okay? We don't need him to make it worst. I just don't understand why he did it. It just fucking stupid. *sighs* i cutted that night because i can't say or show my real emotion to them because i know if I did, it just making things worst. So i took the blade and release my anger on myself. It for everyone good though and they seems not to notice anything peculiar about me hahaha since i'm always gloomy like this kehehe XDD 

And i'm actually worried about this new cuts because I'm having uhh presentation tomorrow and I have bo long sleeves formal attire and i'm dead hahahaha hopefully BB cream would work though. *sighs* 

School isn't stressful yet but yeah i can manage tho. *sighs* it just that its getting stressful when my dad started to say something like me going to continue to my degree and shit. And its freaking stressing me out you see because I know  my intelligence limit is and you know how bad my results is. It just mannn... I do hate him but at the same time i want to make him.. No actually, i want to make my mom proud of me. and the way he keep on repeating the degree shit its make it sound i don't want to continue. And the more frequent he repeat it, the more I don't want to continue it mann. I mean, i know that taking degree will help me get a better job. I'm not idiot okay? *sighs* i'm just ughhh.... I don't know what to think or say anymore. I'm so angry at everything. Fuck everything.

And now, honestly. i'm not sure what i want anymore. I'm tired and I just *sighs* i don't feel like doing anything anymore everyone is just getting on my nerves and they never care how i feel. It just unfair. And my parents, whenever I mumbling back they'll say something like I never want to listen to what they said. i mean come onn! Do they ever take time to listen to what i wanna say? NO right?! Fuck it.

I just don't know anymore.

I'm just plain miserable right now. I'm not even sure what I wanted to do anymore and I have no feeling of doing anything but procrastinating and self-depreciating. As usual, I just keep on hurting people feelings because I'm being selfish. Yeah, I hurt people again and again and maybe this cycle will never end. Sometimes I wonder, why am I born like this? I keep on losing track from the right path, I know I have good brains but I didn't know how to use it. I'm too lazy and useless piece of shit. All I know is complaining about how life is. I'm tired of complaining honestly. I'm tired of chasing people and pleading for them to stay. I'm tired of saying nice things to people who I think deserve the hates and insults. I'm tired of wearing this fake smiles everyday at school. I'm tired of wanting to cry but my tears won't fall off. I'm tired of my shitty face. I'm tired of my fake teeth. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of people insulting my hobby and saying that it's for kids. I'm tired that people judging me. I'm tired of the same old song that I keep on repeating on my playlist because I'm so left behind. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of having interaction with anyone. Sometimes I ask myself, when will I have the courage of killing myself? It's not like people will get worried or teary of my death anyway. Well, maybe they do but maybe it will be only for a month, if I'm lucky hahaha. Yeah, I think I'm better off dead. I keep on hurting people though. So what's the point of staying alive? I can't make my parent happy. Like, look... my results sucks man, it should be thrown into the dustbin. No other colleges want to accept someone with that kind of fucking results. All I ever do is disappointing people around me. So, if I ever kill myself, maybe only my family that will cry over my death. Like, I don't even have lots of friends though. So, yeah.

Besides, I'm just a burden to this family. I even hate my dad. I don't talk nicely to them both. Sometimes I think they're annoying. They never understand or care about me though. All they ever think of is the money that my brother keep on wasting on the shitty drugs and how they want me to continue my studies in the field that I don't even like. Heh, not that they doesn't know about it. They keep pushing me to do what they want me to do. Have they ever ask what I want? NO. FUCKING NO. they want the perfect daughter, for god sake. Man.... If only they could see, how imperfect i am. Why can't they accept my true ambition? I'm tired okay. I'm tired of doing things that people ask me to do. I don't even like them but psssh... even if I told them that I don't like it for over millionth of time, it's not like they care about it. They will just keep on insisting me to do it. No one ever think of my feelings anyway and here I am, think how bad I am for unable to satisfy them because I keep on failing doing what I hate. I'm just pathetic. Ugh.

The hate I have for myself can't be measured with words anymore.

Ugliness. Toothless. Useless. Idiots. Pathetic. A Burden. A Monster.. Man... Why am I even born?
I just wanted to die.
People hates me.
Everyone hates me anyway.
I lost my reason to keep living.

The Year Barely Starting, And I Already Had It Bad.

Hello there~! It's new year. Yep, it's already 2014 people~! XD hahahahaha it's beginning of something new. Yeah, well nothing much change though. Honestly, I think nothing is really change. hahahaha XD Everything still the same, except for the year and age and yeah, I've changed a bit in my appearance hehehe :D like, more piercing and dyed hair. Yeah, hahaha. Um... Well, I really wanted to say something happy here but I end up just using this blog to rant out my problems. hahahaha geez. I'm pathetic, I know. I know. You don't have to tell me something that I've known for so long hehehei. Yeah, as usual. I'll be just ranting around here today. *sighs* I'm sorry Mr.Bloggy. I can't promised you anything but I'll try to update something cheerful next time :)

So yeah. well, honestly said that I'm not feeling really great like everyday but today it just more. I don't know why, but I'm just having that feeling of crying. I feel so weak and i feel its so freaking hard to breathe. I did cried but right now, my chest just felt tightened and I can't even cry hahaha. Well, I'm not really sure what I'm really feeling right now. I'm just feeling... useless? I feel like apologizing for everyone for existing. I mean, well. Yeah, like you can tell now... I feel like no one really cares for me and it was all me who cares about them. And honestly, I've cried like this too last few days and well, I ended up cutting myself again. Uh, relapsed. I don't want too but the more I fight the urge, the more I feel I needed to cut myself. Well, I guess I'm just weak. I can't even say no to the temptations. I'm just pathetic. and I'm a failure too. *sighs* why am I even exist?

And then, there's my parent. My mom to be exact. I know that she's been stressed because of my stupid brother and well, I don't know why but in this few days, my mom seems to purposely finding my mistakes and well, I can sense that she think that I dislike to be with her. Honestly, it's not what I'm doing. Well, I did locked myself in my room all day and barely spoken to her. But then, i'm just doing it because I don't want to burden her more with my problems. She had enough with her own and my idiotic brother's. I mean, I just don't want her to stress even more. But lately, I realized that she might think that I'm well... I don't want to be with her because of the way I'm repelling her presences. And I know that she's blaming me for doing it. I take the blame with open heart because I realized it's really is my fault. I shouldn't do that you know. But then, I'm a grown up. I need my privacy too. I can't always be together with her. I do loves her and I know that she's miserable right now because of my brother but what can I do? I'm pretty much fucked up myself. I can't even help myself. how can I help her? Sometimes it really hurt me when I saw her puffy eyes but I'm just useless. I don't know what to do. All I ever did until today is running away from the reality that is in front of me. All i'm good at is running away. Yeah, now you can see why its my fault afterall.
I don't really deserved a good mother like mom. I don't deserved to be adopted by good person like her. I'm just another burdened. I think it's much more easier for her and dad if I never exist after all. I mean, less person to worry, right? They can just focus more on fixing my stupid brother.

And yeah, honestly said. I'm pretty much feel like I don't belong in this house. I feel like being neglected. None of people in this house ever ask me how I'm really feeling, what I've been doing and how's my school going. They don't really care why I'm skipping meals sometimes, why I have this red mark on my wrist and everything. They just never did. Honestly, the first time I cut was to release myself from emotional pain, and the second time I cut, I just want some attention from people, especially my parents. But hell, I was throwing myself into the pit of hell hahaha. no one cares. no one really cares.
All my parent ever said to me is that to tell me to work hard on my grades, get a better jobs, continue my course to degree level, must listen to them, always obey their commands, being a perfect daughter. No, mom, dad. I can't do that. I'm not perfect, I never be perfect. And then, there this one part where my parents broke their promises. Always did. I'm tired of promises yet I always so naive to hope that they going to make it come true sometimes. Like once, I remember it like it was just yesterday when my dad told me that I can take whatever course I want after I finished my diploma in accounting, the course they chose for me. And now, they want me to continue degree in accounting. What? don't they know that it's hurt me so much? I mean, I don't even like accounting but I struggle hard to pass every semester because of the empty promises they make. It's hurt me so damn much. I feel like my dream is crashed into million pieces. But who cares? Who cares how important that little useless dream of mine to me? no one cares. I'm just tired living like this. I know that I may not be abused or having physically tortured. But this, this hurt too. Emotionally hurt makes you go insane you know. You don't even know what you want anymore. All you want to do is I don't know, give up?

I'm so fucked up. I avoid my best friend, I cut connection with everyone, I just.... Well, I just thought that they don't deserve to have connection with some fucked up bitch like me. They deserved someone better for sure. I don't want people to know how fucked up I am, I don't want them to know what I'm going through, I'm just.... well, I just want them to look up for me when they're feeling down like "Hey, if pgie can be happy and laugh all the time, maybe I can too,." It doesn't matter anymore if I'm hurt deeply. As long as people around me is happy, then it's really okay. I know, hurting like this make me feel so down, just like right now but yeah....I choose this.
'
And sis Jaba. Well, I think everything is okay for her now. I mean, her relationship with her family. I mean, I can see that they're getting closer now. I'm happy for her though but well, honestly I'm a bit envious with them. I remember once she told me that her parent sung together at the kitchen and well, it's romantic though. I wish my parent would do the same. And then, there are time she told me that her dad tells her stories about ghosts. I wish my dad or mum would share me something like that too and there also time she told me that her dad suddenly pats her head, I want my parents to do it to me too, without reason or with reason, either way is fine. I sounds really jealous right? hahaha yeah, that's how pathetic I am. hahahaha and then when we just got back from KL trip, since we're going to Jaba's place first, I saw Inut ran out from their house just to hug her. Me? I don't even get a simple 'welcome back' from mom. heh. I don't feel at home. honestly. But I guess it's wrong for me to say it like this. I feel like I'm demanding so much. *sighs*

What's the use if I can have everything materialistic if I can't even have warmth from parents? Hell, don't say warmth, my parent even barely talk to each other. Even if they talked, they only talked about my brother or money. I don't think they ever talk about me. It's my fault though,  I never get out of my room anyway. I'm just lazy daughter who did nothing but online and watching anime all day. That's what my parent think of me. They don't even try to reach out for me. It's not that they didn't see it, they just don't want to understand it. Man, I can't stop crying right now hahahaha geez. It's 5 a.m and I'm not even sleepy. mom is going to kill me later for wake up late. hahahaha ugh.

I'm tired. So freaking tired. Right now I just want to cut myself again but I'm afraid that if I cut at the same place, people will immediately noticed it. Well, it's not like they care but well....*shrugs* We'll see. Like Jaba said to me once, if I want to cut it's up to me. Because it was my own desire to cut. If I ever felt sorry for breaking promises, I should apologize to myself. Well, in short, she was indirectly tell me that its useless telling anyone or making anyone as your reference to keep breathing. In the end, you have to deal with everything yourself. In the end, there's no one else but yourself. I guess she's right. And well, that's why I never tell anyone about my problems anymore. I can't let them in anymore. I'll just pretend that everything is okay whenever I'm with them and well break down again in the night time. Faking a smile won't hurt them but myself. So, just consider this as a punishment for myself for lying to them hehehe :)

So, I guess that's all. I think I should try to sleep hahahaha XDD
so, yeah.
Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part 14: I'm Just Too Coward.

Heyy again :) 

Well, i guess i'm right about being the worst. Haha... *sighs* now everyone hates me. I know i deserve it but then, it just painful you know. Haha... I really didn't mean to leave or whatever. The reason i was going away from the internet, tumblr or even chatting is because i don't want them to dwell with my negativeness. *sighs* well, it doesn't matter now. I mean, its my fault for not telling and explain to them beforehand. I'm just the worst people of all. Heh. Maybe, well I can't even forgive myself you know. I hurt soo many people and its all because of my stupid breakdown. I hate it. I hate being so weak that now i'm being the reason everyone i care about is hurting. Ironically, those people i hurt were a group of people that would be the last i would hurt. But then, well... Heh.

I guess all i'm good at is hurting people. Its seems like it the only things im good at. Wait, no. Thats the first, the second thing im good at is being a burden. Yeah, i still not over the fact that im being adopt is just a burden for my parent. Its true what? I know lots of people would agree with me in this.  Like i said, i'm just the worst. 

I really really hate myself right now. I wish in brave enough to kill myself hahaha... I just want to get off from everyone life because all i ever do to them is hurt them. No matter how many times i apologizes, it will not going to change the facts that i hurt them so much. I'm.... I hate myself even more right now. I won't blame them if they ever hate me from now. I deserved it. I deserve all the hates.  I'm just the worst. 

And yeah, my scar adding up today. I just feel that i deserve some punishment for what i've done. Yeah, i just want to cut right now but no matter how many time i slit my wrist, it just didn't satisfied me. I deserve to be punished more than that. Because im just the worst. The most bad person ever. The baddest friend, the baddest sister, the baddest rp partners. Just simply the worst of the worst.

"Every scars that I drew were always meant to bleed. It's to show that how fucked up I really am,"

Part 13: I'm Just the Worst

Hey, i'm not quite feeling better today. So uh, i decided to update this blog hehehe :) well, i've been feeling down since few days ago and well, of course for some reasons. *sighs* and for addition, stress from school and home. It just, for short everything make me feel down actually. Hahaha *sighs* 

And uh, i relasped again today. Yeah, i'm back to cutting and well, i think i've cut a little deeper because i'm still waiting for the blood to stop. But nothing serious though, it just a small scratch, not too big hehehe :3 it just need time. It will stop soon enough and i'll be fine again for sure :) 

Everything is fine. It just me. I'm thinking too much and i can't stop my paranoia. Yesterday, i caught myself biting my nails like from my school until i reached Ng Siang Hap there. Yeah, I guess i'm having  small anxiety for sure. But nothing serious as well. I'm okay today (^__^)v 

It just that, i can't stop my brain telling me that no one ever care about me and they actuall find me very annoying and behaving bitchy like and like its getting on their nerves in some way. I don't know. And well, i can't blame them for that. I mean, i'm very aware that i'm quite annoying too hahahaha i can't deny the truth, can't i?

And then. Well, i don't know. the reason I've cut again is that, i'm just feeling that. Even if i cut again, no one would care and like they wouldn't even bother to stop me anyway. They will be like, "Its your choice, if you decide to stop, u'll stop." Well, nothing wrong with that though. I mean, they're right about it. I will stop if i want to. But well, i guess i won't then. Since its my choice :)

I'll just lessen it. Well, i am trying my best to stop but then i find there isn't any reason for me to stop. I'm always lonely somehow. No one ever try to reach for me. Its always me who is trying to reach for people. Maybe that's why i never stop feeling lonely. Pathetic isn't it? Heh. Well, its me afterall. I'm just some pathetic being as always. 

*sighs* i always keep my smile on my face though. And i guess i'm too good at lying that not even a single soul noticed how miserable i qctually am. I just. I don't know anymore. Maybe its the best if i withdrew from people for the time being. Especially those i'm chatting with, like Jaba, or Myron or even Sumichan. I don't want to be unable to give them positive energy when i chat with them. I want them ti be happy somehow hahaha :3 *sighs*

Well, my happiness isn't important. All i ever want is materialistic stuff anyway. And yeah, im no saint too. I'm in fact the worst of the worst person ever. I lied to everyone. I never really show them what i'm really feel. I want them to notice it actually. Hahaha yeah, it's my fault somehow. I should have told them but then, they won't care anyway.

I've tried to tell Jaba about my real feelings some of time back then but the way she responds, well... Its not wrong. She did says everything that is necessary but then. Well, heh. I guess i'm just asking for the impossible. Oh well, *sighs* and thats is the time i told myself that i shouldn't be telling anyone else about my problems. I should just keep it too myself. I mean, its my problem and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I should sort things out myself, no? :) 

I mean, everyone have their own problems to deal with. So, yeah. I'll do it myself :)

And yeah, my weight isn't reducing even a bit. In fact it keep on increasing. I think i should just stop eating hahahaha i hate my thigh, my leg, my stomach and everything. Hahahaha *sighs* 

Ah, i shall take my leave now :)

P.S Let your smile cover up your tears :)

*i can even cry lols*

Part 12: I Regret Nothing

Ohh heyy again :3 i'm just want to say that i'm feeling pretty wore out right now. I mean, spiritually hahaha :3 like i don't know how to tell, but really. I feel so tired like my energy is being sucked out of me. Maybe sis Jaba is right about people sucking out my positivity and turn it into theirs. Hahaha well yeah, i'm having mental breakdown not long before but yeah, i pretend like nothing happen. As usual la hahaha :3 i cried in the shower and i'm not  sure why i feel so hurt like that when i thought about Sumi and Kid (my skype friend) honestly i feel glad that i met them even when i'm not a good roleplay partner. Hahaha but they are two out of 107 followers (excluding Jaba account idk how many maybe ten? Hahahaha) that willing to talk to me you see. Hahaha :3 but yeah like i said, i'm not good in making friends. And yeah, i kinda lost both of them hahaha i mean, well i got saw Kid online before but when i go check, he's appear offline. Pfft... I'm too fabulous for him to handle i guess hahahaha :3 and then there's Sumi. Usually, i would saw her online in the morning (their morning) but then today she seems to not online pfft... Haish. This is the reason i don't want to be so fabulous like this hahahaha :3 

But then, i'm so hurt you know. Hahaha i don't know. this make me questioned myself, is it wrong for trying to be nice ans caring for others? But the again. After i had a small talk with sis Jaba and debating with my innerself, i think that nah, it's not wrong for being nice. In fact, i regret nothing for letting them sucking my life energy. As long as they're happy, then i should be happy too. I mean, wven if it not much, even if it means that i'm hurt, as long as they're happy, then i'm glad i couls help :) 

And even if my withdrawal from our chain of friendship means happiness for them, then i'll be glad to withdrawn. Yeah, happiness is important you see :) 

I'm just glad i'm helping even in spiritual way hahaha :3 if we're meant to be friend, they'll look for me. So, i'll be disappear for a while now, from virtual world and will come back again when i fully regain back my life energy :)

Not that i'm trying to be nice or anythibf, it just that i really want to help somebody to smile like you know,  putting a smile on their face even for once or twice because you see, i know that true happiness is very hard to find, especially in today world. So, i was thinking that what if one small smile is actually the key that will bring us towards that happiness? Yeah, it can be right? Like starting from the most basic, we're sure going to conquer it one day hahaha :3

Oh, i better go now. Its almost 1.30a.m :3

So bye bye for now. I might keep on updating shortly like this starting today.

So adieu :)

P.S : Let your smile cover up your tears :)

Part 11: Nothing's Matter Anymore :)

Heyy~ it's been a while I didn't update this blog hahaha :3 yeah, i'm pretty much busy with roleplaying and stuff. Then, assignments week is here and i have resits coming soon. Wah! I haven't even look for my notes. I'm so dead hahaha *sighs* and then, i'n gonna have presentation and after that final exams. Wah. I'm so busy! I really have no time to play around but then... As usual. Hahaha there won't be work if there isn't playing time hahaha :3 yeah. I'll just have to stop procrastinate :) 

And well, honestly i've been stopping from cutting for like almost a month but that around the end of October, i relasped again. *sighs* I've told Jaba about it but then well, I think I shouldn't have to tell every time I relasped right? It's just troublesome and make things even more complicated. So, i'm deciding that if I happen to relaspe again in the future, i'll just deal with it myself. I mean, its my own fault though and no one is involving. So yeah. But after that day, i think its almost a week I didn't cuts :)

Yay me! Hahahaha :3

But the urge and the temptations is really almost impossible to be resisted hahaha :3 

BE STRONG, gie-chan! XD

Anyway, i've made a few friends in Tumblr and we connected through Skype now. Wee~! Yeahh~! i have skype. Can you believe that? Hahahaha i mean, i really hate that thing before but now i've come to like it hahahaha :3 well, now that i have friends to talk too and foreigner to yooo~! Its like always be my dream to have foreigner friends like this hahaha :3

But the problem is that, well. You know how socially awkward i am hahaha i think i've been completely annoying at those two. Yeah, i only have two of them hahaha :3 but anyway, yeah. I mean, i'm already used to be annoying with sis Jaba though. I can't helped it >.< maybe i should act cold like Mon-chan. Hahaha :3 

Yeah. I'm not a good friend for sure. I'm always annoying and sometimes I wonder why I even have friends to begin with. Like seriously hahaha :3 but yeah, i'm not perfect and i can't simply change myself to be the one they wanted to see. This is me, if they hate it. Then fuck it. I'm not going to change who I am, anymore. I'm done with that shit now. Hahaha :3

I'm happy for being myself and i love my annoyingness hahahahaha :3

I'm not going to let other people to bring me down again. I had enough of that. I'm tired of kissing the ground. Now its time for me to climb up and be who i am.  Wahh~! I'm so good with words hahaha :3

But really though, i'm going to do what makes me happy. XD oh yeahh~!

I had enough things to worry about like my studies, my parents, my money, my figurines, my stupid brother *sighs* and lots more. I mean, *sighs* it's hard to be a universal lover you know. Like loving too many things that you couldn't bring yourself to hate anything including the roaches. Hahaha i can't hate them, only disliking :3 And yeah, i cared to much for people that sometimes I think people would be freak out hahaha i mean come on, if i'm them, i would freak out too bwahahaha :3 i'm just.... I don't know. Loke, once i consider that one person as my friend, i'll care about them more than i am about myself. Like well, doesn't matter how they treat me, i'm still going to be with them like forgiving them for that. UNLESS, they pushed me to my limits, then yeah. Sorry, no more place for you my love. Hahahaha :3

Ahhh~ i don't wven know what i'm babbling about. Oh well, i'll write again soon :3

BYE BYE SAYONARA LOOKIN ROCKING BABY!!

P.S : let your smile cover up your tears.

Part Ten: Maybe I'm Just Weak.

Hey~ it's been a while. Yeah, I'm pretty busy lately and yeah, I'm having a little bit of mental breakdown. hahahahahaha *sighs* I shouldn't laugh but it's sound funny to me hahaha it's slightly reminds me of Block B song, Mental Breaker~! hahaha *cough* anyway, I've break the record. Yosh! I was free from self-cutting for like about a week and a half but then, bad news; I relapsed. I've cut again since yesterday. *sighs* I really don't know why I'm being so weak like this, really easy to fall into temptations. Ugh. I hate myself for this but like seriously I really want to stop. But yeah, maybe I'm not having enough determination to stop and plus, like hell; I wasn't very motivated to stop. I mean... Well, I'm not so sure if I'm really fine and that I'll be okay if I'm not cutting. You see, I don't want to show my anger and like hell, I don't ever want to cry in front of others. I don't need people to pity me. I don't need sympathy.

But really. Sometimes, I have this thought; maybe I shouldn't stop at all. Maybe I should keep doing this, besides, it's really working in controlling my emotion. It's making me feel even better. But then again, I...*sighs* I'm actually not very sure what I want. I want to stop but then I don't. Maybe its because my faith is thinning. It's been a while I didn't go to church or even asking help from Him. I feel like I've been neglected my religion for so long. It because, I feel that I'm not worthy. I don't deserve such great forgiveness from Him, I've sinned to much that I can't even forgive myself for everything. I just feel that I don't deserve such great love from Him. That's why. But I guess, this way of thinking is just leading me to the wrong path. Look what I've become. Even I, myself hard to believe this.Is this even real?

And then, I keep on having this thought telling me that I'm never be good enough. All I ever be is a burden to everyone else. I will never can do good for others, all I do is giving them hard time. I will never ever be good. This thought really kills me. And my insecurities, it just gosh. so unbelievable. If people ever see me, they will think that I'm not insecure at all but honestly, I am. More than you ever know. I hate myself. I really-really hate myself. hahahaha XD
ugh.

I think, I cut deeper nowadays. Every time, after I cut; I need like 2 or 3 minutes like that to make it stop. Well, it's not involving too much blood though. It just coming slowly out from the cuts but it really need sometimes for me to stop it. hehehei~ Honestly, I don't really feel the pain when the razor contacting with my flesh. All I feel is pleasure. You get me? It just, I know it's wrong but I feel lots better after I've cut. Well, *sighs* I did throw my last razor though but I've got new one now. Ugh. I know! I shouldn't getting a new one but if I don't, my anger will bubbled up and I scared that if I don't control it, I might hurt mum's feeling. I can't afford that. She has more than enough burden. I don't want to add in. It's like the last thing I want to do, okay? *sighs* I don't know how many time I've sighed. hahaha oh well. But thank God, this semester its not very stressful *hopefully* because if it does, I don't know if I can even stop myself. hahaha haish. I hate my life. Eh, no. I hate my reality. If can, I want to live in a dream. hehehe :) Oh well, another wishful thinking of mine. I'm very sorry for the picture though. But like hell, it's actually not that bad. I mean, in the past, my wrist look even worst. hahaha scroll down, you'll get what I mean.

*sighs* I don't have the heart to tell anyone anymore about what is actually going wrong about me. I'm done being burden to anyone. I mean, hell. All I ever did is worrying people. I don't want anyone to be worrying about me. Well, honestly I do need support to stop this harming shit. But then again, I want people to notice it themselves about what's going on with me without I told them anything. If reading my blog will help them realize, then let them read it. hahaha I mean, if possible. I just don't want to open my mouth and tell anyone about it. It just hard you know. I'm very self-cautious about people's thinking. I mean, I don't want them to think that; if I ever openly tells them that I cut myself, there are chances that they will think that I've done it because I'm attention whore or I'm just being stupid. Heh. It could happen okay? hahaha Oh well. Honestly. If I ever tells them about it, or if they got a clue about this matter, I don't think they going to step up and help me. Most likely, they going to pretend that they care about it but after few days or so, they're going to hurt me again. I've been in that phase, alright. *sighs* You know, I really want to be good with everyone, forgiving and forget everything that they all ever did to me but it's keep on coming back. you know. I'm silently tortured. I just want us all to be together again like we used to and no more back-stabbing and stuff. *sighs* I can't tell if they really do care about each other. I don't want to be hypocrite you see. But then, what other option do I have? I have to pretend that it's not hurting me at all when they purposely or accidentally threw insults on me. And even sometimes, when their words is like an poisonous arrow, stabbing right through my chest, I have to maintain a smile on my face even when all I really want to do is breaking down and curled myself on my bed or leave them and lock myself in my room. I feel stupid sometimes. But. I can't help it. I just. I love them so much. So much that it's freaking hurt and it's really kills me, slowly. I feel like I'm being tortured slowly.

Even for my brother. I hate him so much because he hurt my mom zillion of times but I can't bring myself not to forgive him. I mean, *sighs* I hate myself for this you know. I really wish I hate him for real. But like I said. I love all of them too much that it's kills me. No matter how much they hurt me, I can't find myself to hurt them back. All I do is like stay low for a while and then pretend like nothing has happen. I feel stupid. I can't even say anything that I could use for self-defense. I just don't want to hurt any of them. I just can't. Sometimes I wonder, if they ever think of my feelings at all? Or was it just me who think about them? Hell, I always doubt that they loved me back. hahaha maybe I don't deserve their love after all. I mean, I've made so many mistakes in my past years. If I were them, I would still hate me too. Well, maybe more.

I put a smile on my face like almost everyday, especially when I'm with them all. 

But not they ever know that, the smile is just something so fake that I happen to hate so much.

 Whenever I'm alone, that smile will disappear.

 Oh how I wish, my smile is real. Just as real as the pain that clenching my chest.

 I'm suffocating. 

I can't breathe sometimes.

But it's a miracle.

I feel dead, but I'm living.

The fading scars make me feel lonely.

Why?

I always wonder why.

Maybe because I'm actually lonely.

So freaking lonely that I want to be around people

Even if they hurt me so much.

Who would ever know?

I never told them that they hurt me.

Ah,

It's my fault after all.

Yes, it is.

It's my fault after all.

Always is.

Always does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No matter how many times I try, I keep on losing in this battle. I tried to scream for help but my voice stuck in my throat. I tried writing it on the paper, but the paper was blown by the wind. Will I ever survive this battle? Will someone out there will ever found my letter? 

Will someone come and save me?

Please come.

I'll be waiting here, sitting on this same old abandoned place

Just a right place where I feel belonged.

I'll be waiting here while I try my best to get out 

I'm tired of this place

I just want out

So please.

If you could hear me

Please save me from myself.

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)