Friendship That I Thought Won't Last.

Greetings, humanoid.
Today, I'm going to talk about the friendship I once thought was lost. Well, you see I was wrong. Completely wrong. I thought these girls would leave me and we can't be together like we used to. But that's all was wrong. In fact, we still can be together like we used to in high school. Nothing change between us to be honest. Just that we couldn't find time to spend together anymore. Well, you know. Our timetables are so freaking different from each other. Plus, we're studying at different schools.

Well, of course. We had numbers of fights before but then we eventually come back together again and act like nothing happens. Heh, crazy no? Well, that's friendship. But if we never fought, then I don't think we can still be friends today. Honestly, I just wanna say that I'm glad that I met this three beautiful girls and if I had a chance, and courage, I just want to take a brief moment, just to thank them for staying beside me, and be my friends until today. Even though we're like so rarely contacting with each other, sometimes, it will be like few month we're not going to see each other, I still can feel that they are there for me. Even when they're be with someone else, I know they are with me. I'm just glad you know. I never realized how special our friendships are until today.

We barely know each other and we might very lack of interaction between one another, but honestly, I can be myself when around these girls. I don't have to pretend to be someone that I'm not. They are accepting me as I am. I mean, you know quite well that I'm a toothless hehehe. Well yeah, I've told them and they're like Whoa~~ is it hurt? ahahaha I thought they're going to make fun of me you see and then would eventually break our friendship because they're shy to be friend with some toothless girl like me. hahaha XD
but they're just/. Okay whatever.. hahaha you know what I'm saying? hmmm... well that, I'm glad too :)

And honestly I said that there are time that I kind of disliking them, not all of them. only one of them. you know who. hahaha but then again, I thought that there is no reason for me to keep disliking her. I mean, no matter how bad I treat her, she's still staying. No matter how many text I didn't reply, she still there. I feel bad sometimes you know. Because she doesn't know why I'm treating her that way, so basically it's my fault for not telling what I dislike about her. hahaha Oh well, she'll know one day. Let others tell her about it. kekeke I have no heart to tell her.

We're so different from many aspects, mentally or physically. But that differences, maybe that's what make us still staying together until today. Well, maybe it just me who think this way, but doesn't matter though because I'm very glad that I knew them at the first place. I'm glad that I have a special group of people in my life and make me feel completed. I mean, I already have the most loving family in the world and now they're filling in the part which is the greatest friends of my life.

So, conclusion. I would love to cherish our friendship till the end of my breathes. I really do thanked them for staying by me for all these years. I think there is no other people can replace them in my heart. Thank you for the friendships. I shall cherish it forever.
and yeah, when I'm typing this.. I'm telling story like I'm going to leave forever hahahahaha seriously. I mean, the fuck? why all the sudden? ahahahaha oh well, for sure. I'm not gonna die. I haven't meet with my favourite celebrities yet. kekekeke :D Plus, I have final exams next two weeks. hahahaha XD
okay then, I shall sleep now.
Good morning

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

Another Story O.O

Greetings again, humanoid. Well, i think i'm feeling much better now since well, you see I've started to write another story. Ahahaha kill me for that but i can't help it. New ideas keep on attacking me you see and i just can restrains myself anymore if i do, my head might explode due to the excessive unwritten ideas kekeke :3 anyway, this time i'm writing a vampiric story but it's more of a love story. So basically i'm just combining my favorite subject and my main writing genre. Hehehe :3 i got this ideas after watching twilight and hotel Transylvania. Yeah, well some of Bram Stoker's dracula and of course the Dark Shadow movie hehehe yeah, i've been watching quite a numbered of vampiric movie lately.

Umm... Back to the main point... Well, this story is about ally (again, i know heehei) spending her summer with her brother Matthew in small town named Denzel. Her brother is a personal lawyer for Sir Dmitri, the oldest resident of the town which Allison believes to be a vampire.. *wink2* and he has a son, which namely as Zach. Not Zack. Note that kekeke :3
She uhh... Well, i was thinking that to make both Ally and Zach have feelings for each other, i mean like crushing... Zach would show his feeling but Ally... Well, typical ally of course hehehe :3 and uhh... Well, i also thought of making Zach as one of the famous playboy in le school. *he start schooling just like other kids la, like telling le school that he just moved in or homeschooled before this, ya know... Common sense*

And, ummm... He always get the girl he wanted or any girl that he feel like kissing and then just leave them like that... Ya know... Playboy... But he umm... Kind of having an epic fail when trying to seduce Allison which make him felt like uhh... How to say this... Uhhh... Challenge... Ha... He just couldn't predict Allison because she just so different with al the girls that he ever dated. So, he's like... Maybe she's the one i'm looking for.....

At the same time. He already have umm... Fiancee named Ruby... Ruby ruby ruby rubeyyyy~ hahaha kaiser chief XD and uhh... And yeahh... I think you know the rest. Hahahahaha i mean, pshhh... It ao easy to predict the ending. But i have teo kind of endings for this one, and i might choose either one. Obviously... Haahahaha or maybe i'll combine both ending ahahahahaha XD if possible kekeke XD

Well. Actually i don't want to write or think of the ending first because i don't want this story to end up like my Changing Your World. Yeah, i've wrote down the whole draft on a piece of paper before and BOOM! I lost interest to write it since i already know the ends hahahahahaha fuck me right? I knowww~~~ i hate myself for that~ T^T so thats all i can think of for now ehehe

Actually, i'm in my economic class right now hehehehe so, i shall come back again tonight if i have the mood to return :3
Byebye

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

Nan Mollaseyo :3

Greetings, humanoids :)
I'm still feeling the same and nothing seems to be working out to make me get through this shit. in facts, it's getting worst hahahaha blame me for that though. it's all because of me. i don't know why but ummm...i just don't know. oh well, i'll get through this eventually. relax~ i always do :)
so,  yesterday i was going to do my homework and i did forced myself to do it but i can't motivate myself to do even some of it. i just able to write the questions ahaha and plus what concern me the most now is that my group assignment which due tomorrow. i don't want to let my teammates down you see. i really need to do my part but i just can't. i feel so helpless, so unmotivated. you know ehat i'm saying? i feel like i have no reason to be here anymore. i can't sort out what the exact words but yeah. its feel like it. nawww~ i never want to ends my life okay? i'm too fabulous to commit suicide kekeke XD still, sometimes i have the thought that it is the only way but then something always stop me from doing it. likemy mom  suddenly go all goody-goody to me and cook my favorite dishes for dinner... something like that... and sometimes, when i'm feeling so down to the earth crust, my playlist suddenly played some encouraging songs, gospel songs like they want me to keep on living and never give up. so in other word, i'm struggling to live right now because i feel loved by these kind of thing. they're not living things, except my mom of course, but it just that they can make me feel okay you see. i don't know how to put this but music really do help me get through this shitty reality i'm having. music inspires me to keep moving forward. Sounds like i'm making things up eh? Hahaha i know! I don't believe it either. I feel like i'm living in nightmares :3 but honestly, what i really need now is an escape. A place that i can be all by myself, listening to my favourite tunes, doing all my favourite stuff like drawings, sketching, colouring... Stuff like that... In my head there is no shitty things going on, everything just so peaceful, every time i take a breath, all i'm feeling is happiness and gratefulness. The feeling of freedom and gladness. Smiling all through out the day... You know what i'm saying? Yeah its a total paradise, you see :) but i know i never can have it unless i'm going to Heaven which is i'm so far away from that place kekeke :3 hmm.. Oh well :)

I keep telling myself "it's just life. Life is like a roller coaster, sometimes we're high up in the sky but sometimes there are moment where we kissing the ground. Everything is falling apart but it's just for temporary, so keep moving forward, happiness is waiting at the end of the line" yeah. This is what make me still holding on till today :) you see, i'm quite grateful that i still have positivity within me and i always try to help myself to stand back on my feet when everyone seems to leave me behind. This because i feel like no one ever stand beside me when i  need them the most. in fact, they don't even noticed that i need somebody to be with. so i think that, maybe its better if i help myself up and not depending on others. But i wonder, how long can i help myself doing this? I hope it will be forever though well at least until i can guarantee that my big brother can take care of mom and dad well. It just something concern me a lo lately. What if one day i'm not going to be strong enough to hold on and end myself before i knew he could take care of them? Heh... Shussshhh... I better not speak of this anymore. Hahahaha it's worthless. Its not like i'm having the courage of killing myself anyway ahahahaha XD forgive me for that suspense :3

Right! Remember when i said that i won't make any first attempt in making the first comversation with sis Jaba? Well, i lied. Yeah. I've read her updates on her blog and i think that maybe she need to be comfort more than i am though. I mean, pshh... My problem is nothing though. Besides i can settle this on my own. So i think that maybe i should just forget it and will stay as the first speaker as usual. Besides, she's really important to me though and seeing her down and stuff really making me feel lots worst you see. She's both a sister and a best friend to me and very dear to me though. Well, maybe she doesn't feel the same towards me but it doesn't matter though as long as she's regaining herself back to her self hyper and funny self, thats matter the most to me. I'm not trying to be a saints in this but its true. I guess its really will end of our relationship if i don't do it though hehehe :) Oh well... Let just think that she's more social awkward with me than with those role-players on tumblr because i'm too fabulous hahahaha :3 but then i think that, she still okay though and she can get through all the negative thoughts if she fight for it because at least she still have sis inut to talk with and to enlighten her mood a bit and she can make sis inut as her motivation to keep on moving forwards. I mean, sis inut always there for her though even no matter how busy she's with her love one, she make time for sis Jaba. Me? I have no one to talk to or to make me feel better but if you counted 9gagger, then yeah. I have kekeke XD i can't opened up to everyone else even mom or even sis Jon. I lost trust on everybody. Maybe the real fault is really on me hahahaha yeah, i'm the one at fault though kekeke since i can't be opened up with other on how i'm feeling~ oh well. Its not like they would give a fuck about it though :3
Yeah. Well. Sometimes i think that i'm born to comfort others and not to be comforted. Because i notices that every time i need someone, everybody seems to be running away from me. That i have to deal with all this shit all by myself. But yeah... Maybe this happens because people are scared of my fabulousness kekekeke XD oh well, whatever. I have myself to be with and i have my Father to take care of me and my lovely Guardian Angel to protect me though :)  i'll be fine in no time now :3

Even today i feel much better... :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Another bullshit? hahaha XD just kidding. I can't think of any creative title.

Greetings, humanoid :)
Yes~ that cutie can light up my world you see. She meant the world to me. Well, not just her, there also Shawn my little nemesis. ehehe :D but since she's now reaching 1 years old, she doesn't really like to play with me anymore like we use too it's kind of hurting me a bit:( ahahaha but yeah, I forced her to play with me though. SHE MUST PLAY WITH MAMA NGENG~ hahahaha XD

Anyway, today I have my accounting test and TETT~ I die in action. hahahaha I seriously don't know what the fuck is written on the questions. I mean, everything look so alien to me. hahahaha well. I did some of it but I don't know if I did correctly and both questions, I ended up with emoticons (O.O and T^T) ahahahaha oh well, seriously. I don't think I can make it. oh well, whatever. what past is past. kekeke XD

Uh.... My life has nothing interesting going on. I'm still the same reserved person as usual and now I'm more of locking myself away from the crowds and drowned in my own fantasy, listening to musics and even instagramming, I'm no longer fond with that shit anymore. hahaha :) Well, I don't know. Nothing excites me you see. I just... hmm... Oh well, I'll just keep looking ahahaha oh ya! I lied about that. Actually in this few days, I'm more of watching movies. I always spend time to watch some random movies. hahahaha yeah I have bunch of unwatched movies in my locker and I think I'm going to watch some... maybe later or maybe next week. I need to deal with my HR assignments and tutorials first though. Plus, I'm currently worried about my Finance Group Assignment. I think my group members doesn't even move their asses out on dealing with it. Well, I don't either because hell I don't know anything about it. ahahaha XD seriously. But for now, I'm gonna deal with HR first. Easy work first la ehehei~

And... uh what else? Um..... Right. Uh.... In this few days, I've been thinking that maybe everything that happens to me like the paranoia, depressions, negative thoughts, insecurities... all that happens to me because of me. I mean like, maybe it just all me that made that all out and thought negatively about people around me. I don't know why but I feel like it was just me though. It all come from my scumbag brains and it keep telling me to try to fit in with the other kids. Seriously, brains? you think it fucking easy to do that? People only looking for me when they need something, I can't afford that anymore okay? I just... come on. I'm not a slave and I'm not that really want to fit in. I mean, I NEVER CAN FIT IN with those pretty, confident, and smartass boys and girls. I'm just me.

Yep. Seriously. My brain keep telling me this and its really killing me slowly from the inside. I'm confused. I even sometimes found myself mingling with those classmates of mine even when my other self say no. I... I guess that I'm really are stupid. A stupid one who wants to fit in even when she knew she never can. ahaha Pathetic.

Ahh~~ I just hate myself. ahahaha Oh well.... and last time, when I was on tumblr, I saw this post from one of those I followed on my dashboard. She posted that she was telling everyone that she's fat and she doesn't even have that thigh gap and her stomach is big. she also said that her weight it 93lbs (45 something Kg) unlike before which is on 70 something. And then I'm like, seriously? If she have my weight, she's definitely going to kill herself. I'm 67.8 kg, I have this big butt that I always hate so much but I pretend that I love it with all my heart, I have no thigh gap that sometime I feel like puking whenever I wore that tight jeans or shorts. It just make me fat even more. I feel like hiding wholeself under the blanket all the time. And then plus, I have this weird body shape I mean come on! she's beautiful enough okay? why don't she feel grateful with what she got? i just don't understand people. Tell me I'm just some ignorant bitch but its true. I mean, her post make me hating myself. Make me feel fat, make me feel ugly and make me want to jump to the abyss and never come back to the surface anymore. I mean, *sighs*
I just hate my body even more than she does and I never tell anyone about it because I don't want other people to hate theirs. That post seriously strike me straight to the heart. hahaha XD seriously. I feel like being shot with revolver or something. XD

Well... There is one more thing that really bothering me lately. I'm very confuse with people around me. I mean, I keep on getting some confusing shit from these people. One say something and the other say the opposite about the same topic. I mean. seriously. I'm just tired. They confused me with all this shit that I sometimes feel like I never want to be home. I'm confuse like hell and i don't know who's story should I believe. The facts that they only have the same thing to say about is other people. I mean, why should they say bad thing about people? people are free to visit to my home its not like these people coming to THEIR house. I mean, why? why are they talking bad about others like they are all so fucking perfect and stuff. and then, when they're with me, any one of them, they would talk bad about each other, calling each others names. I mean, seriously. I'm tired of all that shit. Can we just have some random conversation about natures maybe? Stop talking shit about other people behinds their back. I'm tired. and i really wish they could stop poisoning my head with the untruth. I'm tired. why can't they just let me think about it myself? let me observe it and see it with my very own two fucking eyes?

I have no problem with people coming to my house, then why that so bothering them anyway? Seriously. I really wants to cry right now but as usual my tears won't fall and it's freaking hurting me right now. Especially when they talk bad and described like how bad my favorite people are actually. I mean come on. Its not like their also that perfect. God. hmm.... It just... I'm tired of all that bullshit you see. all that I keep on listening to is bullshit. Yes, my life is full of bullshit now. I'm turning into a bullshit myself. and when I thought about this, I guess that they would talk shit about me too when they are together eh? I mean, pshhhh..... look how they talk about other people? how they talk about them, that's how they would talk about me right? it's fact. It's a fucking facts.

I'm just tired of all the bullshit.
I need to escape from this hell.
I need  to escape
I want to escape
I wish to escape
Before I'm going crazy,
kekekeke XD
just kidding :D

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Your Tears :)

Whoaaaa.....

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	Extremely High
Dysthymia:	Very High
Bipolar Disorder:	Slight
Cyclothymia:	Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Very High
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

In Class O.O

Greetings, humanoids :) Right now i'm in a middle of class but i can't concentrate because the teacher only speaking in front and i'm too lazy to translate all the English words he's saying kekeke :3

So, uhhh.... Just to say that I must admit that i'm seriously depressed like i used too hahaha i mean, you see.... In the last two days, i really fond to cut my hair by myself and now my hair isn't at the same length ahahaha no one will noticed it thought because i only cut some of it. But seriously, this is what i do whenever i'm depressed because by cutting my hair, i can release this hidden depression inside well... I'm feeling a little better and i have my positive sense back actually; not all but okaylah. I still have that negativity though but thank God i manage to finished off my Economics assignment and Finance, i only have one more questions left. So, my day is getting better. Now, i only have to prepare myself for BEshit presentation tomorrow and settle all my HR undone tutorials. I guess i can make it this week and next week.... WOOHOOOO~ hahaha no more work!
Oh wait! I still have HR presentation. Oh well, at least i've done with some shit kekeke xD and i just remember that this Saturday, I'll have my Accounting test 5 (^__^)v wish me luck though. I wonder what chapter will come out. I think chapter 15-18 i think. Oh wow, i still don't get chapter 16. I think i'm gonna die hahahaha XD hopefully the questions won't be very hard to deal with though :)

Uhhh... I guess that's all for now. i shall come back again later or in few days hahahaha :D byebye for now !

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

No Ideas For The Titles. ehe

Greetings, humanoids :)
I'm actually doing my Economics assignment but I'm distracted so... here I am. hehehe :) As usual. My life didn't get better in fact my depression and paranoia getting out of control in this few days but don't worry, I'm cool with it. I had worse. hahaha :) Anyway, speaking of depression... I'm not depressed because I'm sad or stressed because of the assignments due date or anything. It just came to me naturally and be part of me hahahaha seriously. I can't even figure out the reason why I'm being sad and stuff. hahaha and yeah, I noticed that I'm even quieter than before like seriously. I only let my mind speak ( Only connects with people via texts and social network ) I don't really, you know... like to talk. I mean, every time I talk to someone, in less than few minutes, I get bored and pissed at them for no reason. I know.... I guess I'm really are anti-social eh? hahahaha I do love interacting with people surrounds me it just that I can't help it but to be pissed off.

Even at home, my mum and I don't really talk with each other. Once I get home, I immediately put my earphone on and face the lappy screen until night time and she just sit there and watch whatever shows on the TV. But then, I didn't feel awkward though. Maybe it just how we interact with each other. hahaha I mean, by be there at each other side? hahahaha I don't know.

And speaking of interacting. It's been about 3 weeks I didn't interact with sis Jaba though. Yep, well... I guess she just busy with stuff. You know, role-playing stuff. Yeah... I don't feel like flooding her ask box on tumblr anymore though because I feel like I annoyed her in some ways. I mean, seriously. I'm annoying like fuck. hahaha XD And in this few weeks too, I've decided not to seek or make the first attempts to start any conversation with her though because you see, it's always me who start the conversation. She did, but too seldom. And this make me think like, what if she never wants to talk to me but have too because she just don't want to hurt my feelings for not replying? Well, what if this is true? heh... Well, I don't know the truth though but this questions hurts me. I mean, like seriously. I'm tired of it. Seriously. I mean, it's really not that easy to start a conversation you see. I'm very bad at this thing but then because I want to talk to her and keeping in touch, I have to force myself. And plus, I can't really stand it when I have to ask so many things just to keep the conversation alive. You know what I mean? It just. gosh. Hmm.... And to conclude this, I'm very sure that she doesn't really wants to talk to me. hahahahahaha well. Yeah. whatever :)

<----- This is my most favorite picture. I don't know who the hell is he but he's adorable especially in the second picture and I'm like GAGDYUHSFIJEFKEKF<KE~~~ hahahaha XD Oh well, he's just cute alright? I can't help it :) And so... I'm going to have a presentation by this week on Thursday. Yeah, and I don't know how it will turns out but I'm really hoping for the best now. I'm a bit nervous when I think of this but yeah... the sooner, the better. kekeke and my final exams will be like around 3 more weeks and I haven't done any study yet. I'm thinking of doing some during the study week *One week holiday wwooooo* XD I'm scared that I can't score for my Finance. Yeah, that's the only subject that I'm very terrified with right now. Too much fucking formula and I don't even understand any of that shit. hahahaha and Economics, I think I can just read everything from the notes that the teacher gave me though and HR, its just reading and stuff and for BEshit. It's just a piece of shit. hahaha Seriously. The teacher don't even teach us anything yet. I don't know how I'm going to study that shit. For Account, um.... depends on the questions and I really hope the teacher still have a merciful heart and gives us a little bit of easiness on the questions. ahahahahaha :D And uhh.. what else about school? Um..... Right! I'm thinking of sending out all of my assignments and tutorials by this week. Hopefully. I'm quite a bit stress because of it but I'm controlling it hahahaha I can't let it overcome meh. If I do, I would turn into your worst nightmare and the grumpiest person ever. like seriously. And if I let my negative energy to control me, i guess I'm already die. hahahaha :)

Cute right? I know! I made them kekeke XD it's a flyers for our imaginary shop hehehe :) Anyway, last time when I was going somewhere with my mum, I suddenly have this thought hits me in the skull. Like imagine that one day, Miri City were flooded my zombies. hahahaha XD and yeah, I came up with newly fresh ideas for story. kekeke but I haven't start writing it yet since I've lost my confidence somewhere in writing this kind of shit. So, the ideas I'm having is like this. Uh.... Well, the characters will be like 4 to 5 person like that lah, mixed of adults, teenagers and maybe kids. yeah. I don't know. I just randomly thought of this. hahaha XD and then they were like being left out from the main evacuation day but the got notes la from the evacuator staff and the notes contains the information like the place where the other evacuation process will be held and what time, what day... something like that la and then they have about three days to survive before the huge termination of the undead on the 4th day. Yeah... and they have lots of experiences and stuff and shit going on during their surviving moments. Well, maybe few of them dies in action. Maybe. If I have the guts to kill them. kekeke and I'm thinking of making it a bit funny though. But then when I think back, I'm not funny enough to write funny shit. hahahaha
So, maybe nahh~~ I'll just go with the flow, write whatever shit I want. I mean, no one will wants to read it anyway. Even if the does, it would bored them to death. hahahahaha So, yeah. I shall not speak a word of this. hehehehe :)

And yeah, I'm currently doing another story too hehehehe :) It's about band thing. Well, they're not famous band but they were paid to perform in a special birthday party of the daughter of rich man lah. hahahaha because the girl likes the vocalist bah since they were like coming from the same school kan. So yalah~ but then, the vocalist got crush la with this one part-timer in the hotel where the rich girl will celebrate her birthday and the vocalist crush is the guitarist friend from kids lah and the guitarist also like the girl la. Plus, vocalist and guitarist is bro-forever bahh. hahahaha then... I don't know. HAHAHAHAH well, I actually haven't write anything on this one two, I'm just starting with the character. kekekeke XD yeah~~~ XD I just love finding characters for my story okay? but not writing or finishing it off. kekeke XD
I'm Awesomely Slacker.

It's almost 12.00 a.m now and I'm lacking of ideas on what to write. kekekeke oh right! I'm currently loving Of Mice and Men. Yeahhh~~ Austin is full of awesomeness XDD I love all of their songs. Well, only in this one album lah, The Flood. Seriously, the way he scream really synchronized with the music. It just deadly awesome! hahahaha XDDD my current favorite song is the Production of Murderer and Ben Threw :)

And I'm actually getting bored with Instagram and Tumblr and Twitter and also Facebook. Because I started to feel insecure and no privacy at all. Only here, in Blogger I can have my privacy you see. Here I can talk whatever I really feel and whatever is in my head because nowadays, people seems to drift away from blogger only few left. Well i guess i shall say THANK GOD!

hahahaha XD I'm sick and tired of people actually. So, yeah... I guess I'll be here more often from now on :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.